The Princess~NeeNee's Life

9/10 - upm

2009-10-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

yes i am back .. at here .. my room ... so .?? wat should i do ?? so much ?? cant i have some rest .. not even a 30 minutes rest ?? is everything need to be in place after u step in K2?? wats life ?? wats life this way ?? do we dont have our own rights to choose ?? choose to say yes or no to anything ?? do we dont have choice ... why do ppl use force ?? how bout those who took indian dance ? they dont have potential to dance ?? wat the hell !!!

9/10 - upm

2009-10-09T03:24:00.000-07:00

as though it will end ?? i dont think so .. the only way it ends is to end it my self .. end where i should stop .. but not wait for things to stop it self .. do they know what is call work ?? they have their own AJK ... they work on 1 side .. n they feel alright .. how about those who need to go both sides .. any one think bout us ?? do u think is easy for us ?? do u think we have super man or super woman body ?? we dont have to rest ?? dont have to sleep? arent there so many ppl still ... why us ?? y only few of us is working all the time ?? all the human being already extinct in K2? do u all know its already over ppl limits?? u wan to learn a dance alright? do u need us to swallow all in 1 week ?? when is good enough .. is there any purpose to repeat again n again .. wats the purpose .. u will jus make us bored of the steps ... n gradually forget it again ... wats the point? sharpen it .. doesnt mean u need to practice s many hours a day .. 2 hours a day is more than enough ... it is already the limit of a dance practice ... is not lik u going for competition .. this is jus for performance .. this is bout semangat .. not hard work .. no point working hard but not smart .. argh .. go work by ur self .. i not gonna be here anymore .. i wana make myself disappear in this K2 area!!

12/9-UPM

2009-09-12T12:36:00.001-07:00

i'm so tired of my life in UPM.. i love my frens around.. senior around... staying in the block makes me feel happie .. all the activities which makes me feel so tired bout it ... i seldom get fedup over activities.. i usually enjoy them .. but now... want me to do things i dont lik .. and its not 1 .. is 2-3 per week ... wan my life?? i think i would rather giv u mylife!!

3/9-UPM

2009-09-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

i got my answer dear ... im not sure u are reading or not ... if u are ... im not looking for reasons after u say those words .. to be honest .. the feeling had came .. but i still feel lik concentrating on my target first .. i wan to be a vet or at least get my first class .. i know is kinda impossible .. but i still wan to achieve it ... im still unstable .. shaky .. i mean my emo ... my target ... everything .. i dont have a clear stand yet .. im not sure .. im not secured with what ever im doing now ... im not sure did i do the right thing .. to be honest .. i really love you .. although i wan to remain the situation .. i still love you .. im so happie with the situation now .. because .. u are happie n im happie ... i have you with me ... u have me standing by you .. laughing around ... i just enjoy the feeling ... mayb as ppl say .. this stage is the best stage throughout the whole dating till marriage period .. its true ... i haven been having this kind of feeling .. the feeling wer makes u fly ... felt great .. got relieves .. but still .. aha .. just could not explain it with my words of tongue... hehe ... muax .. just love you ...

31/08-UPM

2009-08-31T03:46:00.000-07:00

last night.. im so happy ... because this is the first time there is someone hugging me so tightly to sleep .. i felt the warm .. the love .. i felt the tender ... my loneliness just puf... disappear!! i love it so much .. i felt it . the love is again all over my body .. but i noe his principle .. i understand his way .. but will he just disappear again ?? will he starts to avoid me again?? i hope no ... he is my moral support all this while .. he is gone .. i will be gone ... my personality will be cover by myself .. all by myself .. just because of all the stress that im facing .. not easy .. i can feel he is stress too .. but quite happie while we are all together ... thats the best thing!!! dear .. i love u .. but i just feel lik keeping this in the heart ... im still scare ... i want it .. but im really so scare .. i dowan it to happen again ... i wan both of us to be fully prepared .. just remain this way ... i love it ... muax ... going naturally without our ownself realising it is so nice ... this is the stage where we dont even know what stage we r at ...for me .. i feel the fun .. everything just ... flow in so smoothly .. so properly into my nerves .. hugging me so tight ... makes me feel u doesnt want to lose me .. im not sure am i right ... but this is wat i felt ... will u do this on other girls?? i hope not!! hehe ...

25/8 - upm

2009-08-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

felt it again ... but i guess i know whats is wrong.. is like in form 5 last time... thats how i felt it !! exactly the same .. in CGL is just 1 year .. here .. 3 more years to go .. what can i do?? ignore or ?? i could not .. i have to spend at least a minimum of 1 year here .. i have no other choice .. so i choose to ignore and be me ... cant they just understand ... u dun have it now ... but cant u just be considerate ... u dont say it out .. doesnt mean i dun see it and i dont feel it ... i make it that way can you accept it?? if not why do u wan me to help ?? do you know i dowan to do extra job .. i love to do what i wan .. wat i am ask to do i dont push it away lik others at least .. i am there to practice and learn ... but the steps ?? unless u follow my way ... twist my way .. thats how i do it in my dance .. please dont force me ... i do things i lik .. i obey .. i am a good follower .. but i will only a good leader when its on my own field !! i dont lead stuff i dont lik .. i wont do a great job ...
dear ... i felt it .. i have that feeling again .. but .. i like it now .. this is perfect ... muax .. love ya !!

20/08-upm

2009-08-19T21:58:00.001-07:00

HAVING A GREAT DAY HERE IN upm.... BECAUSE today is my birthday... midnight .. everyone in my block .. chinese .. came to my room !! sing song for me .. but most important thing is im happie .. he called me ... talk to me till around 1 am ... dunno y .. just extraordinarily happie ... haha ... no time .. will add details!!
shall continue my details ... well .. i thought it would be a very busy day for me today ... as in no time for myself ... but this years birthday .. i really need alot of sleep .. im so sleepy .. so much to do recently ... busy busy busy ..
bout him ... im not sure ... what is the feeling now?? weird .. but feeling just right ... mayb that is wat makes everything going so well ... hmmm ...

UPM 16/08

2009-08-15T19:21:00.001-07:00

yesterday .. i slept in the room all alone .. plan to study until late night .. but my brain does not listen to my words anymore .. i fell asleep so many time .. until i was wake by his sms ... but till the end ... even my eyes could not take it ... so i decide to go to sleep and wake up in the morning to study .. but now it seems nothing can go into my brain . titas is so boring! why should we study this kind of subject when we are a science student? should'nt we just study bout the history of malaysia science developement?? i guess .. they have nothing for us to study bout that .. haha .. they developement are way too slow ...
seriously .. i felt the emo so much recently ... being alone ... i felt lonely .. being with friends i still felt lonely ... only being with him i dun feel it .. why ?? is this a symptom of some disease?? i wan my self to be tough ... not being this way ... being tough where i can face any emotional changes in my body .. i dowan to rely on anyone to solve my emo prob ...
arg .. just what happen to me recently?? i could not concentrate on anything accept blogging .. reading twilight ... im wandering around my sweet land in my own world .. being just so lost... too much pressure?? not being happy?? i could not even find a reason for that ... just dont know what i wan it from myself ... i just need to search for the real me again .. feeling myself having 2 total extreme charateristic now . n now im being in the emo n deactivate situation .. there are nothing that is able to bring my spirit back up again ... nothing that i could be able to activate my craziness ... arg !! "bam" crush my lattop!!

14/08-UPM

2009-08-14T02:50:00.000-07:00

now, I sort of treating my blog as my diary. having entries almost everyday.life in UPM still doesnt go so smooth for me ... friends searching is still on... still looking for the suitable one.. not easy ... and it seems not here in biochem year 09/10.... why?? once i got him or her i got it .. but once i find it hard to blend ... i would have a tough time ... yes .. i do blend in .. but .. not the usual style of mine ... not as blend i will be ... i am being more alone now in my course .. or even in K2 among my batch .. i could not find the comfortable zone ... just feeling so uneasy everyday when it nears the end .. when especially mummy is busy with his own stuff ... when mummy is not free to accompany me ... i really felt it ... could not find the right topic to talk about ... could not even find the right tone ... haix ... they gang up or i isolate myself?? im not sure .. this is me?? im not sure as well ... being emo?? hormone imbalance ... now alot of things will flow into my brain .. i could not concetrate well on anything i am doing .. that is why i choose to start reading twilight .. at least .. i fill my brain up .. with nonsense ... with anything it could be fit it ... which is manage to fit into it ... some of them ... just could not ... they just wants to make space for the bad things to flow in ... right .. i shall have my dinner first .. might continue tonight ...
tears drop .. i don't know this is because of the pressure or miss my home or some other factors.. i just need to rest ... emotionally ... i need to release ... i just need to cry ...

second post from UPM 14/08

2009-08-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

having my supper while typing this... thai fried rice.. not bad actually ... from putra food court... just suddenly found out that there are so much to eat in putra food court ... not do good in mood today .... yeah .. its the flow .. makes me feel so weak and tired in the morning .. which i plan to finish my lab report in the afternoon but i end up to sleep until its nearly time to go for my lab .. and i've to get a cup noodle as my lunch ... quite nice .. haha .. not bad .. of course i will praise my own skill on making a cup noodle ... even is not nice i still will say it nice .. haha .. so damn sleepy in the morning class. i seems like could not concentrate in my biomolecules class... its just too boring .. the content of the class.. plus the flying lecturer... she is so damn floating in the class..she just float around the class.. n crab those english which we dont understand.. makes me feel sleepy... coffee never seems to work in her class... my lab today finish early .. thats something good n also something no good .. which means i have to observe my experiment the next day which is so troublesome ... arg !!! but i get to come back n wash my clothes n everything done b4 its late night lik usual ...
im very unhappy with my results!! very very not happie ... but i cannot blame anyone .. i myself did not study to my very best ... the time is just too short n too rush .. plus i just could not go into the study mood .. all because of the H1N1 break ... interupt all my plans n stuff ... everything i have to plan again n again ... which disturb my mood on the first 2 papers which are those papers with all the memorize work in it ...haix ... im not the worst in the class.. higher than average .. but im the worst among the chinese student ... thats something i doesnt like it ... i aim for the best .. i aim to be the best .. but i never try my best ... why am i so slug!! haix ... ok ... thats it .. i gonna end everything here .. n build up all my results again .. gonna get my first class... !! go !!

life in UPM...

2009-08-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

This is my first blog updated so long after those angry days.. having my time spend here in UPM is ok .. not very fun nor sad ... but what i could say is alot of memory behind it .. there are way too much of it ... is just a very short 1 month in uni life .. but i realise uni is really different compare to those time i could stay at home n relax ... everything is by my own now ... learn to be even more independent compare to b4 ... but independent in what way?? i myself doesnt know it .. but felt i grow .. physically n mentally i think .. physically more fit compare to last time .. mentally more strong ...
here .. i still could not find someone i could rely on .. which i can relax all the way down to my heart ... me .. im still not so me yet ... except im infront of my "mum" which i would me more me ... more myself .. and while im myself in my room .. doing things that i would.. but not all the time are this way ... did i fake myself .. nope . not at all .. this is just my own attitude ... my style of living and surviving ... i know i need to survive at least another 3 years .. not very long time .. but not very short as well.. i need to find my balance point .. my point of comfortable to communicate n be socialize in this world ... i think i've found it ... but i need someone that i can share my heart with ... i knew who he is ... i knew he is there .. but im not sure how he feels .. im not sure how actually the situation are ... im blur .. but i love this kind of feeling .. that kind of mysterious ... that kind of feeling where u put some expectation in it ... although i know it might turn out to have disappointment .. but .. yup .. i still put hope in it!! never knows the future!!
my wind ... the curiousity i have in you still here ... that letter is way too short .. i could not know more bout u ... should i just split my expression out to you .. someone which im not sure who you are? or should i just put u as my frens .. a friend which i could reveal my craziness n happiness .. not my sad?? this is some thing i shall wait n see ...

patient!!

2009-06-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

i doesn't know how to express my feelings now .. whole body full with fire .. but i must make myself cool down n not explode!!OMG!

-觉得我看开了很多-

2009-04-21T02:46:00.000-07:00

距离上一次发生类是这样的事情应该已经几个月了吧，我没有料到我能如此快的恢复我的心情。被骂过了，总有好日子过。雨过天晴吗！！我终于了解，不要求回报所得的回报，永远是惊喜！我喜欢这种感觉，这种被疼的感觉。虽然要做夹心，不过透过这方法我能感受到他们对我的爱，对我的关怀！虽然他们彼此都感觉不到对方，也存有偏见，永远都不允许我为另一方解释，不过我感受得到那一份在乎，所以我不在乎了。我们都懂，就你们俩不懂。希望时间能让你们看清吧！

-doesnt know how to handle-

2009-04-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

that day, i just could not remember the date, i knew that i enjoyed my day a lot until...the phone rang.i thought is as usual asking where am i or stuff, but he bring up a fight on the phone.fight about all the nonsense, fight about things that i could not explain to him. is between him n her, but im drag into the trouble which brought up by her words. he blames everthing on me. but why ? its not my fault, its not my full responsible on that. yes i forgotten, but do u have to blame everything on me. i tried to do it for him. not only for his sake, but also her. i just forget. why? both of them never thinks about my feelings. i did took my responsible to tell, but he is the one dint take it in heart. why should he blame me for that? i don't know what he want anymore. he keep changing his words just to make himself right. just to make himself feels comfortable. so do i, i hope he could feel better. but does he know he is the one asking us to do all this and now he wants the other way round? tell me what he really wants? i am tired of it!! to guess? to get the pressure from her to get something from him... why can't they settle it by their own. i cannot take it anymore... i don't know what to do anymore!!

that story comes to a full stop at last...

2009-03-31T05:58:00.001-07:00

which story am i really mentioning ... haha ... guess .. not many people know abut that ... he is just not my cup of tea. so many times i've mention wat i wan .. for many times i've mention he should improve .. i gave up not because i dun like him anymore.. all because of his attitude ..a persons attitude is very important to present themselves ... good just towards me means nothing .. dun bring richness or even pride to him ... he needs to build everything by his own ... being too emotional ... cant he jus being more mature ... haix ... jus forget bout it ...to me he is really no cure ... i tried to help him .. but how? it just turn out to be the same .. thats wat people say ..attitude dont change easily ...

so now ...another full stop is my job .. now stop working ... dunno what should i do ... jus nothing but enjoy my self ... or n might join the model search ... not sure will i join or not .. because my time will give first priority to my dance!! haha .. yeah yeah ... performing for the world belly dance day on 16/5 ... got green colour for my costume ... haha ... well .. jus hope everythings go fine ....

them?? for quite some time i dun update bout their news .. mayb im too busy to even bother about the feelings ... haha ... they .. remains that way .. she still the same ... no changes towards her thinking ... still wants to wins in every fight which she noes is useless ... the most important thing is win in her own heart .. she still cant think it that way ... no matter how longs she needs ... i just hope everything would be fine and both of them would be happy. No matter fight or not, i know , they'll still remain the same until they really let go everything that has already happen...

...continue...

2009-03-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

well ... sometimes .. not that i dun love them .. maybe its jus not that deep yet .. n maybe im being cruel n take this relationship off b4 i could'nt take it off anymore ... 3 months .. i would cry ... 1 month im hurt .. so .. ppl thing i have no feelings ?? no one really noes how i feel ... being busy for my own .. thinking of stupid stuff ... jus to get rid of that bad feeling i have .. that hurt feeling i have ... but who noes?? guess only my blog noes it .. doesnt wanna put hope .. not on myself or either for the guys i hurt ... even i noe myself .. 1 day ... i might change my mind again ... hoping for the best ... quietly observe their change .. but im happy also if they could find a new love one ... how do i noe?? this is wat a woman is special about .. the women sense ... which if we do observe n feel the change .. we can ...n only we noe the way ... things cant be explain fully .. not lik guys .. u all can jus make a situation n a feeling into words easily .. but wen u all ask us to tell wat is happening ... we doesnt noe how to tell . sometimes .. all we noe is jus cry or think ... or even jus keep our own silence ... we noe that u all r jus being caring .. but ... it has become an invisible pressure .. forcing us to face something we actually need few days to sort it out ... weird huh ?? this is my feelings ... but as i see ... majority of the girls are lik this ... this is the nature ... we naturally not being so rasional .. or jus too rasional ... wer we dun jus simply put feelings into words .. we care bout feelings more than guys do ... thats the motherly nature we have ...
sorry .. i could not wait for u all to learn ... i've take my steps ahead ... im really sorry ... i dun mean it .. but i doesnt have to patient to wait ... mayb not for now .. i really could not make it ... im jus few steps ahead .. if u could chase me up .. im there .. jus there .. waiting for u ... hopefully u noe who i mention ...

... i gave up on him ...

2009-03-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

im sorry .. i cannot go on with u ... is really a dillemma for me for quite sometime ... but if u could understand ... i wan a bright future .. as u noe .. i would rather to take care of my own self ... instead to take care another ppl ... u dun think bout future .. at least on ur own future .. no confidence on results is not a reason ... every has no assurance .. but at least .. everyone do plan ... yeah .. i noe u do plan .. but ur plan is not a good plan ... thats a spm level of planning ... no more bullshiting now .. as u say .. we r 20 .. need to think .. but wen we shud think u dun think ... wen we dun need to think but enjoy u think ... so ... wat i worry about has happen .. it did happen ... n is as soon as a month time ...

to b continue

...happy post...

2009-02-22T11:22:00.001-08:00

for sometime ... i haven been posting a nice goood mood blog ... but now .. seems to have the mood ... ntg much to do .. sitting beside someone i love .. though we communicate less ... but ... doing ntg but jus sitting beside is also a kind of happiness i would have ... this few days .. chat quite alot to my dad ... once in a while .. still have topic to chat ... such a good thing ... them ?? still .. the same .. heard less bout fights n arguement ... but ?? never noes ... ops .. i forget to mention bout my valentine's day .. yeah .. is a very very great one .. until so big ... still ... this is the first time i receive flower .. with such a romantic way ... haha .. i love u dear .. muax .. thx for the unforgetable valentine's day ....
i'm sorry ... guess someone would get hurt reading at this .. but this is something i wanna make my blog much more happie ... muax ...

...in between...

2009-02-18T08:26:00.000-08:00

mentally stuck in between him n her ... i noe .. there is still concern .. still love .. but how?? it end up ?? still fight ... because the jus need their face .... quite mad at myself ... fight with him that day ... i did wrong that i knew .. but i dun noe how to say sorry to him ... because ... is not anyone's wrong ... is jus both of our character which lik to fight .. which lik to argue ... for me .. finish mean thats it .. feel bad .. feel moody for a few days there sure is ... but sometimes quite pity him wen i know him more n more .. i understand him more n more ... its jus lik ... he jus wanna hide himself back .. he jus wanna be the strong one infront of us ... thats him ... i hoping she can accept wat i say n understand him more ... feel wat i always feel ... take it easy wen it shud ... n take it serious when it shud also ... i guess i had mention this topic b4 in one of my blog ... past posted... but i could not stop myself from saying it again .. everytime i get update from jie jie ... i'll get this feeling ... bec .. he is that concern ... he is jus doing everything for us ... i knew it ... n hopefully she know it ... u love him ... but u could not accpet this fact that u love him .. that much .. no matter how .. its still someone sleeping beside her ... for more than 20 years ... its not easy for the hearts to let down ... they know .. but they wan face .. n they wan to win .. jus that ... take it slow .. i'll pray n help as much as i could .. control my temper as much as i could also ... sorry .... i love u both!!!

working

2009-01-20T07:43:00.000-08:00

start working for almost a month .... having a very busy n tired life .. even got sick ... but i guess .. this is the life i shud have ... this is wat i think i wan for now .... go to work-come back-sleep-wakeup ... continue the routine almost everyday .. now include weekends .. but i enjoy this very very much ... busy life ... but at least i dun need to worry bout them .. home?? everything that usually think of ...
studies?? choices ... medical?? dentistry?? vet?? which one?? which is the line i wan?? or even sales?? designer?? or any other stuff .. i can fit myself in any wer... but wat kind of life i wan in future .. try to think bout it ... but .. im not sure i can make my decision yet .. how many days to go for me to make this big decision?? who can help me?? i think i need to think over it myself ... 19-20 ... the age dilemma .. where u dunno where should u stand ... as teenage or adult ... dun which to grow up .. at least less that we need to think ... but life is all bout learning ... i dun learn i dun grow ... but my age still grow ... if i learn i grow faster .. get mature faster ... but ?? hmmm ... i noe im crapping alot .. but this is all i think about recently .. setting my brains clear .. prepare to think something really big ...

日记

2009-01-13T08:14:00.000-08:00

这个部落格写下了我所有的心情，虽然多于不开心的。她也帮我度过了很多难过的日子。不管这篇部落格能耐多久，不管它能传到谁的眼里，我只知道它能陪我过我不想要麻烦到人的日子。如果当中有不小心讲到读者当中的某人，我在这里先道歉，只是想抒发一点点的情绪，对不起。。。。

this blog is jus some ways of releasing my emotion .. i try not to mention names .. most of the time .. u can make ur guess .. but dun spread it .. because u never noe wat is happening unless u noe me well ... is a bit complicated .. but this is wer i try to take my self out of the situation n think in others shoe ...this is wer i try to see things in diff angle .. from blogging .. i learn alot of stuff about life ... i look back n learn ... by blogging .. my anger will cool down after i type everything out ... this cause unhappie stuff to stops here at this point ..

-sorry ... sorry for being so fierce .. i dun wish i said so .. but i dun think i can bring the msg thro' if i dun do so ... i dun think u can feel how i feel if i dun do so ... mayb how i feel is not important .. mayb is me being selfish ... i wan myself to feel better ... i dowan to feel the pain ... i dowan my heart to accept the truth .. that is y i choose to act ntg ... i dowan to hold my feelings back .. i dowan to keep it in anymore ...being selfish ... n be myself ... sorry ... to be honest ... i dint cry ... but i dunno how to handle it ... i dunno how to handle my feelings now ... jus sorry ... hope u can understand my situation .. dun change ur mind when u see this ... stick to urself .. mayb argue is something good .. at least makes both of us go on with our life better .. at least u can forget me easier i guess ... -

i knew...

2009-01-13T07:49:00.000-08:00

it happen... jus few weeks pass ... i had the feeling ... but i noe this time ... it will be the same .... but this time .. mayb he will realise something ... realise actually he dun love me that much ..actually he is not ready ... or even realise .. wat i realise long ago ... that we r not from the same world ... but i learn how to link 2 diff world together .. but i dun think he can make it yet .. he needs time ... but i dunno can my heart wait for him ... i dunno anyone will again conquer it ... im so tired to go fight for my own space ... let ppl conquer me i guess ... i will jus be myself .. dun feel lik making myself to change to suite other .. u love me u shud love me as i am ... but not expect something which is not me ..i am myself all the while .. n i noe who u r all the while . not asking u to change ur character .. jus asking u to use ur brain slightly more ... because im tired of thinking ... my brain is too pack to think ... but because of this ... end up with this ending that i get ... being mad?? nope... being hurt .. im not sure ... crying ... i dunno ... but .. wat i hope to see ... is u being happy .. thats all .. ntg much that im asking for ....mayb is a good choice for both u n me to have our own life .... i guess ... i have ntg to say .. n im speecless ... =(

start working...

2009-01-11T06:52:00.000-08:00

now .. i've start working for like 1 week plus .. hmm.. maybe im at the wrong position i guess ...where i got scolded or command so much ..till im now sick still have to work .. i jus dun understand .. do managers always ask ppl to do this n that n they do ntg .. or they r pressured by their boss .. being not considerate .... im half dead .. i noe shud b this way ... but can anyone tell me ... shud i listen to u or the customer .. shud i see ur face or customer .. i noe u wan it class .. i noe u wan it higher standard .. but u urself cannot reach the top hanger ... so do u expect the others can reach?? huh ?? wat u expect so much .. u work there in the shoplots? i noe u wan it look nice .. but do u need to consider the consequence?? wanna fire me? dun feel nice? hmm .. i dunno ... mayb this is life where u r under others ... but if they tell u do nvm ... y shud u scold when ppl dunno?? u cant expect everyone to have the same taste as u .. cant expect ppl who come in to work for jus 1 week to noe so much .. is not lik u train to do this brand ... haix .. working ....
about my love life ... i tell him something i felt .. something i always do feel it when i start to get too close to him ... but i still dun feel lik leaving him .. because i noe i love him.. i can feel he love me .. jus he still dun get the point wer he can treat me wer im comfy n i treat him wer he feel alright ... i can stuck to him .. but he still doesnt noe which part which im super sensitive n i dun lik it ... i wanna noe wat is he thinking .. but he doesnt allow me ... i wan to tell him that sometimes all i need is jus a word hmm .. understands ... nvm la .. foreget bout it .. ntg much ... no lecturing ... no nagging ... im already all so tired with her nagging .. i dowan anymore extra nagging .. i hope he can understands it .. i noe is not always he have to do everything for me ,... i wan to do something for him .. but i dunno wat can i do ... i noe i still wanna b myself ... that me that he love ... but i dunno which me that he love .. it might not b the real me ... dear ... i really need to noe wat u wan .. how u need me to be with u ... dun keep it ... i wan to noe ... n i hope i could do better ... i love u .. muax ....

please dun involve me!!

2009-01-01T05:49:00.001-08:00

is the small him birthday today ... he dint had a special birthday .. but a simple nice day which he spend the whole day him n the laptop ... thats wat he like ... dats him ... she wan it big for him ... she wan it slightly bigger for him .. but did she ever think of wat he really wants ... did she tell the big him n ask for permission ... ignore the big him ... but can she plan a nice thing out ?? can she make a desicion .. even is not a good one ..at least she made herself .. jus for that small him ... now wat she plan is not up to wat she want .. can she turn n make it diff ... wat she wants ... n y is he so mad .. i understand him .. he dun lik to ask many time ... he dun lik to b ignore ... she doesnt noe him ?? she still dunno y i ask her to answer ?? at least wen ppl ask me .. i doesnt noe i say still dun noe ... for so many times .. she say she wan to eat outside .. but she dowan to make the desicion or even the suggestion ... y ?? she said that she already spend her brain thinking on wat to cook ... ok ... then wen we decide u dowan ... then wen i ask u again .. u cannot name any place out .. please .. can u both be mature .. y is him getting so mad since wen he noes her .. she is this way .. she is blur ... she is stuck to the tv .. she doesnt noe how to entertain ... u noe her that way ... u marry her ... but now u dun accept her this way ?? hmm i wonder .. i think is lik wat ppl always say ... guys marry a women dun expect them to change but they change .. i think she is not that way last time .. mayb .. who noes .. i dun noe her well till this few years ... the other way round .. she noe his stubborn .. she noe his temper ..she noes his style .. but y is she still complaining ... y she she still getting mad over this little stuff ?? as it goes again ... a women marry a man expect them to change but they dun change ....so y getting marry in the first place ?? y staying together in the second place ? y cant they make their stands clear ?? y ?? ='(

she haven learn..

2008-12-24T12:13:00.000-08:00

she is still being stubborn ... still asking why .. still wanna noe why ... she still have not learn wen to ask n wen not to ask .. she still has not learn wen to talk n wen not to talk ... she still dun know when she should listen n when she should ignore ... she is finding reasons for him .. i learn .. to accept n to love .. though sometimes i still complain .. but at least ... i learn to do it the right way .. i learn not to ask why ... but jus tell ... jus express my feelings ... i learn not to ask why shud i take this down .. but i learn to think a way for everyone to feel fine .. i would make sure everyone is fine .. b4 i break down or start crying ... because i noe is pointless to cry ... she still have not learn .. she need time to adapt to this new him .. or to say the actual him ... she needs time to adapt to the different ways of communication .. she doesnt noe ... i cried ... but only i feels she is fine .. i cried .. because im hurt ... but not because the blames .. the scold i get from him or her ... i cried because u all still cant get out .. i cried because u all cried ... i cried because i love u all ... i dun blame both of u .. this is all call fate .. we cannot let fate decide on us .. but some times it do ... so we must accept n get over it asap ... everyone need time .. i noe u need to .. take ur time ... n hopefully u can again find away for u to feel more comfortable ... not sure u can use my ways .. but it is jus a guide .. a guide to make urself comfortable without hurting anyone else ... having higher EQ ... learn from everything ... appreciate everything .. think as a good way ... y do u blame him scolding u .. but think m i this way .. should i improve more to show i am not?? think ... i hope u can think for urself .. then i m not so tired ...

thanks dear ... i was down .. but after talking to u .. i am ok .. seriously ... i dowan much ... jus u bringing me out for a day .. having a relax day .. sit n drink for half of the time .. i still love it .. being silence ... less complains .. no arguement .. calm my mind .. dats enough .. listening to u is much better ... let me think less ... let me worry less ... i love u dear ... enjoy urself on christmas ... dun b blur without me .. be yourself!! work for urself ... go for ur future .. waiting to see ur success !!

-friends again-

2008-12-22T04:11:00.000-08:00

now back on the topic bout my friends .. hmm ... from friend to close friend to those which u link so close ... n now back to friend .. where i waited n waited for this results for months .. mayb because of stress .. he needs time to get over it .. i really prefer this way .. at least .. i could see his smile .. his laughter ... n his "siaoness" .. being lik a pat po ... mayb i being selfish... i wan everyone to be happie .. so i can be happie ... haha ... -smiles-
well ... another thing which is out of my expect is him .... my dear.. i dint expect to start ... n i dun even expect that we would come to a same point .. being a little selfish for our own .. but our heart are still there for each other ...
bout those i cried for... doesnt wan to mention anymore .. whose i get mad after it ... is no point mentioning .. i will say those in the past blogs because i have no where to output .. that night .. i got a shoulder to lean on .. got someone to cry to ... n i feel much better that way ... i love u !!

nothing happen

2008-12-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

i'm so glad that nothing happen ... but it has become a phobia .. or a kind of fear towards those voice ... those tones ... not jus him .. even im in public .. listen to those arguing or bad words ... my hearts will pump faster ... i tot i wen over those fear .. but it has proven that i dint .. mayb this is how i prepare for the worst everytime ... mayb towards these voice i doesnt noe how to think a positive way anymore ... still need time .. even tho is already 3 years ... but the fear in my brain n my heart .. is not so easily remove ...
but today im happie .. because he is back ... having someone to make me happie .. some one to cheer me .. is such a good thing .. sometimes infront of him ... or when i even chat with him i dun lik to mention stuff i said here .. y?? because i wan to remain the happie relationship between us .. once few years back .. because i could not stand the pressure ... the arguement ... the shouting ... i leave ...with no words ... i leave jus to stay away from who m i ... leave to b the naughty me .. leave to try to get attention from them ... or even the start for that moment is a wrong step ... no i dun think so .. if its not that time .. i would noe u now .. if its not that time i wouldnt have such nice days with u now ...sorry for wat i've did last time .. sorry for the wordless leave ...
she seems to get back to the old her.. m i too free or is she too free ?? mayb she should have more stuff to do .. or is it me which use her car which stop her from going out?i guess it is .. i think is time for me to go work .. go back to the routine life .. go back to those life where she fetch me .. prepare breakfast for me ... mayb this is the way to make her think less ..work more n have no time to think nonsense ... treat yourself better .. i'm sad to see u sad again ....

i heard it again

2008-12-15T07:45:00.000-08:00

is that voice .. the one shouting at her that nite ... the same voice .. the same tone ... try to avoid the sadness ... avoid the fear ..but .. accidentally .. i heard it again ... so fierce .. i dunno wat will happen tomoro .. anything might come .. always the same phrase .. prepared for the worst n hope for the best ...
thank you uncle eugene for the clue u gave me... i noe wat i should do ... all this while im searching for ways to be in mine n his comfort zone .. trying not to offense him in any way .. jus to avoid anything misunderstandings build up again .. not giving him more stress ... but when i have to face her .. i dunno wat can i do .. i am not stiff enough to tell her wat i think .. even sometimes i try .. she doesnt seems to accept .. she oni wans her own thinking n her own way ... n him .. he thinks in his brain only ... no communication outwards ... im looking into them as their love ones ... no one noes more ... she is saying she understand him very much .. but sometimes .. y do she still wanna do stupid stuff to get heart broken herself? do she dat understand him at all? or he is understanding us so well .. until we have no wer to hide? he is knowing our steps too well until he noe wat he can do the next step .. or it is jus a misunderstanding again ..
sometimes i wonder ... why should we look into it so deeply?? y cant they think it simple n take it easy ... mayb everything would b fine after all ... being a simple human being would be much happy ..everyone have own prob in the life .. is up to us to handle it .. is up to us to take it ..when we have a choice to take it easy why do people starts to take it the harsh n hard way?
**dear .. thanks for being there when i'm about to fall ... thanks ...**
wen people could choose to live the happy way why do they starts to doubt their happie life... why do they them self wan to destroy the harmony in it ?? weird .. haixxx...
take it easy princess... u could do it .. take it slow ...

the feeling..

2008-12-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

y is the feeling i have 3 years ago back ? y m i afraid of it again? i should not be ... this is how i feel when im in the center ... knowing they both love me ... but still keep complaining ... 怀疑 each other ... saying bad about each other to me .. but this time .. it doesnt make me cry ... i jus feel weird .. n feel tired ... hate to hear it .. because i noe they r both so good n love me so much ... but i still have to hear it ... because im their best listeners ... wat can i do to help them .. nothing but listen ... for him ... he keep inside .. everything ... being guilty ... unable to face the life now .. using alcohol to numb himself ... my heart feels the hurt .... he doesnt enjoy it ... but jus use it to numb himself .. i can see so ... sometimes i appear .. jus sitting there being quite ... wat do i hope for ? i dun go because of her ... i appear myself because of him... i realise he would b happier with my appearance ... he would enjoy more ... mayb .. thro' this way he feel the respect from me ... but i so hope he noe the proper way .. i so hope he could learn to stand up ... n be back ... but i cant hope for more ... i only can hope for is he have his target ... a healthy target back ... being back on a normal life .. alcohol once in a while ... i love u both ...

精神病。。。

2008-12-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

我觉得。。他应该得了精神病。。人格分裂。。还是狂暴症。。可是，应为他的缘故。。他身旁的人几乎都快疯了。。没有任何预言。。也没有任何怪异。。反正它想发作就发作。。有点人格分裂的症状,讲过的话可以不记得也不得那个一回事，最重要的是，它在不同的时间会有不同的性格。。他懂不懂他另一个性格的存在？我们都不懂。。他只告诉我，没喝就不能睡觉。。可是他喝多少他懂吗？？他喝了后什么样子他懂吗？梦游？眼睛完全没神。。像一个处于精神处于非常糟糕的病人。。而且有攻击性，虽然现况只是处于语言伤害，可不懂会不会严重。。。

now... i really thinks u dun even know the basic principle of life which a teenage already know it ... do u even know wat shud u be proud of ?? do u even know how to respect others? do u even know basic morals ?? do u actually know that respect is u get it after u did something which is good? reputation no more? do u ever think of the reason ? what do u think we are? how do u treat us ? do u ever know it ? do u know the simple moral story we learn while we r young? we get wat we wan by paying the same amount first? do u know your existance in our heart? do you know how important are u ? do u wan me to slap u to reassure wat i've wrote above? can u wake up? is it lik it is expected ? do u noe we love u ? <--words for the 狂暴 him

i know u care ... i know u work hard... i know u love us ... i love you .. miss those time... playing together... having fun all over... watching tv together .. talking nonsense ... <--words for the 清醒 him

... continue...

2008-12-02T18:11:00.000-08:00

continue from the topic at the last post ..i guess i figure it out how to handle the situation ... i guess i know how to choose now .. n i guess i really make it clear what i really wan now ...
btw ... i'm here to post this blog is because i'm so happy ... n so excited .. today i have my last paper .. chemistry ... last STPM paper ... where everything about my secondary uniform life will come to a stop here .. no matter how it goes ... i have to plan everything for my future on my own now ..
n the prom is 1 week to go ... count down ... with so many things not done ... i'm really a lil bit afraid that it wont go too smooth .. n im afraid that ppl will make complains.... but i did all i can do for this .. i pay everything that i can ... having less time to hang out .. cracking head for more ideas ... everything .. even time for studies sometimes .. i jus wan it to be the best night for all of my friends .. hopefully it will be very good.. n hopefully everyone have fun and appreciate their last night with alll the friends together ... ppl .... remember to enjoy your night there ok!!!

how do i handle?

2008-11-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

when it reach a situation where i need an advice ... who should i ask? now everything seems to settle down after the critical time .. i guess she had make up her mind on what she should do .. mayb is time for her to grow .. for her to be independent ... but me?? i wan to be .. but i need advice ... i need to know what i should do next .. not a very serious matter .. but the problem is i don't have a target... i don't the the coming 6 month what is the major thing i have to do ... Monash?? i want it so badly ... but what can i do within this 6 month... try on Indonesia?? need to go for the interview or so call test before u could get near it ... but is it exactly how i should do ?? or should i take a little risk ... no matter how i must and i have to get into course that favors me ... this question i had it think over n over again .. i still have not come to an conclusion .. i really have no main idea on what exactly i want to do ... yes .. i know my major ... should i all depend on local U ? or should i look for private U or even overseas?? is fulfilling dreams n do what u are interested more important or money, the fees or the living expenses important.. if there are like hundred thousand less.. should i take the risk ... n search for what ever loan that i could get ?? or the other way round? no worries for money .. but have a course that is not in my line ...

**wasting time now, need to go back to study for my PA, brb**

a long way more to go ...

2008-11-20T18:47:00.000-08:00

i know there is still a long way for me .. no matter from the angle of study or from the angle of life ... the angle of relationship ...
study .. to say i finish my uniform life .. i guess .. true ..no more school uniform for me to wear ... no more school well prepared for me to enter n study ... now i have to work on my own.. search for the course i wan .. the subject i wan ... n the college or university that i wan... now .. even i have to think where my source of school fees have to come from .. all this take into account of my another 5 years of study... to say long .. not really that long .. but to say short .. i still have to flip my calender 12*5 times before i can really step into this society ... i wan it that fast ?? no i dun wan it .. i enjoy my study life alot.. being the good girl?? no .. jus enjoy my life...
n now till my life ... if i can live till 80 years old ... i'm jus less than a quater through my life .... i went through quite a number stuff in this short short few years .. to say i did anything which is meaningful?? i dun really think so ... mayb is still not the time for others to think that im mature enough to do anything meaningful .. btw ... i still enjoy the life being this way ... since there are ppl taking care of all the stuff ... i have no worries....
relationship .. i went thro' a few childish one ... n also immature ones ... jus to have experience.. n knowing the direction that i am actually searching ... having more experience help me to have a right guide line for what i wan ... hurt ppl less ... n most important .. i will be happie .. so im happie that im single now ...

random..

2008-11-17T05:46:00.000-08:00

being random jus post something here ... because i really cant concentrate anymore ... is lik hours to my exam .. count down by hours ... but there is really nothing that i could pay full attention at ... at most 30 minutes .. n break keep comin in ... stuck at thermochem for lik how long? hmmm i guess few hours ago i am at the same page ... jus feel lik telling someone i love him or her .. but dunno who to tell ... haix .... being lovable is not easy i guess .. haha ... that day me n my fren came up with this topic ... where if a girl is always having fun among guys ... is not easy for that girl to actually get a bf ... haha .. ya .. this is proven right by both of us .. to say popularity in school .. not that low i guess .. i guess i shout renee in the form 6 block everyone will sort of noe who ... the noisiest girl among all .. being workable .. not sure ... but will always do n make it well for those job assign ... hmm .. outings? mostly with guys .. cause places that i go .. that i wan to go usually guys will willing to follow more than girls .. example?? pub for a drink ? then clubbing topics ... or beach time?? or even apartment stay ... there r very few girls would willing to go to this outings ... y ?? being self protective is one thing .. n protected by family is another thing .. they usually need permission .. n my permission is .. as long i noe my own limitation ... since my mum n dad trust me .. so i can go anywer i like .. n go home anytime i like .. but with a limit i noe it myself ... when do i have limitation?? maintly while i don think that mature .. a year back ... being controlled .. but still ... i am able to go out .. jus with all the nag nag nag around ... haha .. so y do this kind of girls have problem to get bf?? either they r too popular among the guys ... guys are afraid their gf being snatch away by their buddies... u noe there are so many betrayer on this world ... if not they dun even noe whether r u treating him a special way ... or jus the same lik how she treats other guys .. afraid that they could not find a place to hide their face i guess .. haha ... well .. no matter how .. i'm still happy with my life .. very happy ... not being controlled .. living so freely!!!

HIGH...

2008-11-15T22:56:00.000-08:00

I'm so high this few days ... putting myself in this kind of mood makes me easier to concentrate on what i am doing...facing those problem is never easy for me ... but now .. i know the exam needs my concentration ... need me to be tough... so i have to be really high .. happy .... n less emo .. this is the best way i guess ... being playful .. is away to get away from my emo ... being positive to face the problem .. treat every challenge that comes to me as a game ... it might be easier for me to handle those things .. handle my things .. sort it out properly ... challenge it level by level ... we cant skip a level in the game right ?? have to go level by level in a game .... if game over in one of the level we have to start all over again ... all over again from level 1 .. this is the same ... but might not have the chance to start all over again ... so we have to be extra careful in every level .. getting tougher every level .. but this is also testing our decision making .. is it accurate or childish ... now ... lets start the game ... I'm ever ready for the game to start ....

very unpredictable

2008-11-12T22:53:00.000-08:00

she tell me that she wan to do it now .... today .. from her mouth .. even is not an assure answer ... is still a question .. but is still a good start that she willing to step out of the box now ... she is willing to think out of the box... for so many times that i've repeat .... not being ignorant .. but doesnt think into my fact or my point ... but now .. mayb .. those things have to come out from someone else mouth to settle it i guess ... mayb is no matter how from my mouth .. for her im still a little girl ... young ... not mature...being manja ... being 野蛮.. is a way to express my feelings ... a way of coumoflage mayb .. haha ... dunno ... jus dowan ppl to think im dat mature ... dowan the responsible to b on me .. mayb .. less burden .. i will take up the burden if i have to .. but dowan to have extra if i dun have to take it up .. weird huh .... wat m i talking bout ... life .. here comes the challenge again .. time for me to stand up again .. face my exam(even im lazy to study)... face the fact that im waiting for it i guess ... hopefully all this will comes to an end ... come to a place wer we could have our own life again ... changing of life style once every 3-4 years is not a bad thing ... hmm .. never noes ... hopefully u can take it dear ... im hoping for the best for u .. trying to get the best for you ... but hope u could work for yourself too ...

unpredictable..

2008-11-08T06:37:00.000-08:00

there are too much things that is unpredictable ... i really dunno when will my blog expose .. but even is anytime soon .. it makes not a big different to me anymore ... is soon to end my secondary school life .. soon everyone will go their own way ... those who i care n i dont mind them reading i will always keep in contact with .. but those that i mind .. i might jus forget them ... frens come n goes ... dowan to lose a friend .. but no matter how .. there are so many hi-bye friends in your life .. how many that u can really care of ... how many that u can keep on saying hi-bye of ... study friends i have ... true friends i also have ... but who is consider in which category .. only me myself know ... need not tell ... but wat i've mention in my title is true .. there are too much that is so unpredictable ... this is meant by human heart n attitude ... human's thinking ... is not as simple as we could actually figure it out ... i read in a magazine... saying that if friends involve "use" u can leave that friend of yours .. but ... are'nt this world is so realistic ... that human are meant to use ... but is jus wat limit that u could accept ... wat kind of "use" u can accept ... use to talk ? use to have fun ? are'nt this call use ... but even that wen u can predict everything infront of u now ... there is still sometimes .. u predict it wrongly ... that is human nature... when u count on ppl ... end up ... u will b count by ppl again ... this is how it goes ... life ... turning around without end ... saying round is good ... supposingly not 100% true .. it all depends on how u make use of the situation ... hmm .. hoping that something bad would come to an ends .. n something good will continue being it ways ... going round n round...

珍惜。。。

2008-11-06T10:29:00.000-08:00

我只想珍惜你。。珍惜你对我的爱。。。对我的疼。。我知道。。我一直都知道你默默的疼我。。可是。。我已不懂得要用哪一种方式去爱你。。去疼你。。。去关心你。。。我真的很想珍惜我们在一起相处的时间。。可是，我不懂要用什么方式去和你相处。。。想保持沉默。。不过。。你又好像不想我不说话。。。我说话。。你又嫌我太多话说。。。我已经不懂得。。可是又不想失去。。我不想挽回什么了。。我只想留下一些回忆。。我真的不想后悔。。没了就没有得到回头。。这种感情是没有的补回的。。。过去了。。就算在从来。。也不会有同样的感觉了。。。我只想好好地说一声我爱你。。我只想让你了解。。我真的爱你爹地！没有想跟你搞对抗，没有想boycott你。。只是。。我们真的不懂。。。不了解。。。你对我的默默付出我了解。。。我也想要你动我对你的关心。。我为了你费的一点心思。。。
将来会怎样我不懂。。。你们会有怎样的决定我得无法估计。。。我只想留下我想要的一点回忆。。。我只想要你们永远都疼我。。。我只想要做你们一辈子的女儿。。。不平凡。。。不过。。我爱。。。
看过的人。。希望你们懂得珍惜身边人。。。不要等到失去了才后悔。。。我已经懂我即将失去。。。很想珍惜它。。。不过。。我已无从下手。。。不要等到向我酱的时候。。。现在去对你家人说你爱他们吧。。
妈咪，爹地，我爱你！

p/s:看了不要对任何人提起。。不想任何人受伤。。。任何想对我说的话。。。就留言吧。。会在我留言榜上会你。。。

Fall for you....

2008-11-05T05:46:00.000-08:00

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before?
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you's impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start

Ohh, but hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you's impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight when you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you's impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you's impossible to find
You're impossible to find

i cried...

2008-11-03T06:36:00.001-08:00

i really cry so hard this time ... but still .. try not to let them know ... cry so hard ... few songs time ... to somebody out there maybe is just nothing... maybe is just a small little tear drop ... imagine .. i am the kind of people only allow myself to drop few drops of tears each time i face something ... or even sometimes just ignore ... only real big things i drop a few drops of tears .. n now i cry for few songs .. i cried non stop ... continuously ... tears flowing ... i release ... maybe only you could make this now ... maybe only someone which i really trust so much... n until i reach a very critical point i will cry ... not easy for me to tears ... this is also one of the reason sometimes i am so stress n pressure ... i just don't release so easily ... even with words .. i use a third person view .. or even a symbolic way of him or her to express my feelings ... i don't wish to offense ... as i hope .. i don't wish to make it big ... i don't wan others to worry bout me ... i would rather to worry bout others than make others worry bout me ....
release ... and hopefully this can make me concentrate another 3 weeks for my exams .. n get over with it ...

我的快乐

2008-11-03T05:30:00.001-08:00

我的快乐

徘了徊了走了错了过了等了
累了倦了困了烦了乱的冷的
都是真的
疯了想了念了慌乱的焦虑的
复杂的梦过的拥有的失去的
怎么忘呢
你坐过的沙发困了你爱的影
那天的我等着你等成了摆设
我的你的他的好的坏的难的
灰的蓝的黄的酸的甜的苦的
都还记得
非常想要忘的绝对不能忘的
我想要换你了真的不想要了
只得放了
环岛的火车载着我第几天了
忽然发现这一刻我不想你了
我的快乐
会回来的
只要清楚曾爱得那么深刻
不准问值不值得
我的快乐
会回来的
离开不是谁给了谁的选择

我的快乐
会回来的
只要清楚曾爱的那么深刻
不准问值不值得
我的快乐
会回来的
离开不是谁给了谁的选择
我的快乐
会回来的
只要清楚曾爱的那么深刻
不准问值不值得
我的快乐
会回来的
离开不是你了给我的选择
疯了想了念了慌乱的焦虑的
复杂的梦过的拥有的失去的
怎么忘呢
非常想要忘的绝对不能忘的
我想要换你了真的不想要了
只得放了
放了

忘了

could'nt sleep well....

2008-11-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

for days ... i dream dream n still dream ... dream something which i dun wan to face it ... dream something which is really not important for now .. mayb i cant get it off my head ... which cause my brain to bring it out while im unconcious ... is that dream should b ? but i really dowan this to happen ... i really need to have enough sleep ... i really need to focus ... i really need to clear my mind ... i have found the source of me sleeping so much ... i wake up lik every 2 hours ... then 1 hour ... i cant even sleep lik properly .... even to ignore the dream.... hmm ... from the him n her in the blog i always mention ... to the studies ... everything makes me dream ... is it because i keep too much to myself ? is it because i swallow too much of unwanted facts ... too much of secret that i keep to my own ? too much of things that im not willing to show ... even different kind of emo that is in me ? sometimes .. words come till my mouth ... but i swallow it back ... tears come running thro my eyes ... but no matter how i dun allow it to drop even a drop in front of ppl ... even if im alone ... i dun allow my tears to fall more than it shud fall ... m i now becoming a control freak ... or m i jus avoiding wat i should face ?? haix ... hopefully i could find someone that i could really cry infront of .... n release everything off....

im so tired....

2008-11-02T08:02:00.000-08:00

should i say im so tired mentally .. is it because tons of studies need to b on or something else bothering me ... do i always beeing bothered by my studies ... i dun .. but y ? m i jus avoiding her topics ? m i jus avoiding this issue ? mayb this is the way to make myself feels better .. maybe this is the way that i could make myself concentrate ... everyone teach me the same way ... concentrate on your study first ... dun think too much .. because u noe ntg much u can do ... but ... is worst this way ... u think n think n still think ... ways to improve the situation ... but end up ?? u cant do anything .... nowadays .. i sleep sleep n still sleep .. anytime i wan ... i jus lie down on the bed n i can sleep for hours ... is it because mentally i choose not to wake up to face it ? m i really that tough as people see me ? or m i jus acting i am ? if i am not tough enough how could i pretend ntg has happnen ? even is infront of him ? or even her? yes her .. i noe she got lots of words that she need to tell somebody .. somebody that she trust .. n willing to share with her ... she tried it on me .. but i being ignorant ... i really wan to avoid this affect my emotions once again .. i really dowan my emotions to go on a roller coaster once again... i need to focus now ... but ... when i look into her eyes ... it makes me worry ... now i even have to avoid her eyes ... sometimes .. people tell me ... i can jus say no to her for now ... i can tell her i need to study for now ... but my hearts cant make it thro to say no to her on everything .... she need me to accompany her to anywer .. i would say yes ... but i noe my brain is saying no .. but i still follow her ... these dillema causes my emotions to go up n down ... n sometimes even raise my voice on her .. im really sorry ... i dun meant it ... but i really could not control ... im also a girl ... have my emotions that i need to express ... im sorry ... i wan to listen to u ... listen to ur emotions n share too .. but i really cant make it now ... i really need to suffer if i dun do it this way ... im sorry ... as u say ... my future is controlled by my own ... no one else can help me anymore ... i noe u can understand .. i hope u could hold urself for another 1 month .... i will b there for u for another 1 month ... n i hope for this 1 month .. u could b with me .. support me .. thx .... i love u ...

teach me..

2008-10-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

teach me if u noe how to handle this .... tell me wat can i do in this situation ... it might help ....
http://crazysotgal.spaces.live.com/

here it somes to that point again .. where i could not put my emo into words ... not anymore .. wat i could jus say is no words in my vocab could express it anymore .. is so complicated ... with so much of pressure ... shivering .. i dunno y m i shivering ... heart is crying ... or m i cold ? or m i scared ... i felt it again ... as it was the last time .. i could feel that it seems to be more serious ... but y ? y m i being so cool ... but i cannot concentrate on anything ... thinking of so many things ... trying to arrange my emo again .. but i seems could not get it right yet ... i am worry bout myself ... feel so funny bout it .. but i dunno how ... i really cannot make myself on the fence ... because i love them ... i try to put myself there on the fence for a moment ... but i could not bare to jus look ... n dun act ... but wen i act .. how much that i could do ... how much that i could bare ... i felt that i lose my energy ... i dun have my energy at all .. it seems all gone ... m i sleepi ? but y cant i ask myself to go to bed？shud i ? 辛苦。。崩溃。。压力。。痛。。。wat else ... shud i take this all very small .. yes i noe i shud ... but i cant make it .. y ? it has taken my whole heart .. no space anymore .. i cannot compress it anymore .. that is the minimum size .. but also taken my whole heart ... i stop a few times when i type this blog ... i dun have the energy to continue ... i really dunno hwo to describe anymore ...

CONCENTRATE

2008-10-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

concentrate is so important... but i cannot make myself concentrate .. i dunno y ... 21 days to go .. jus 3 weeks more ... i can do nothing very much somemore actually ... but i dunno wat i can do ... i reallly cannot force myself to concentrate ... my brain flies everywer ... i dunno ... wat can i do .... i really ned to score !!! for myself ... not for anyone ... but y cant i ?? omg .... i hate this kind of feeling!!! i need to concentrate!!!! arg!!!

u r not alone...

2008-10-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

well... sometimes i really wan to let u know ...u r not living alone here ... u are not always facing the stuff alone...but at least u have to express urself to us ... without a word .. without a face . how could we noe wat u wan? this is wat i heard b4 ... communication is very important ... it seems that u agree on it but do u make full use of the communication that we should have? i really do hope that the little communication bridge that we have doesnt break ... u dun live alone .. we can share your problem ... but at the same time can u dun ignore our presents ? blaming on us ? but wat we could do ? start the conversation first then being scold ? or wait for u to start the conversation but u dun even wan to start it at all ? we try both ways ... doesnt work .. we are waiting for u to tell us wat u wan ... u have mouth ... u can speak .. lik u always say ... use ur mouth to speak .. is not that u bite gold in ur mouth that u afraid it will fall off ... u dun ask u dun tell ... wat can we do ? we dun concern bout it ... teach me how ... teach me wat can i do for u .... im willing to do it ... wat do u understand ? wat can u tell the others ... years back ? recent years ? u noe nothing ... y u noe ntg ? we dun tell ? or u dun ask ... or even wen we tell u turn deaf ? who is wrong ? who is to blame ? no one i noe ... both parties plays its own role ... but do u try .. at least i try ... show it .... dun think that every thing can be measure by money .... not that i only need ur financial support ... i try not to make it that way .. but when days goes by .. i realise u make ur self this way in our heart .... try to erase away the pass ... forget everything ... but look wat u've done ... making the bridge of communication getting narrower ... i really hope that i could control my emotions ... not to put every single emotion in here .... but i cannot make it ... u affect my every nerves ... u never noe it ... u blame it to others ... think ... learn... change ....

i learn... hope u learn too...

2008-10-19T08:17:00.000-07:00

not today ... i learn it yesterday ... i get a very good lesson from him ... listening to him talking ... is such a great thing ... mayb we have the same thought ... that is why ... he n she .. is there ... at the same place .. listening(hopefully)... i learn .. do they ? i hope they do ... i learn not to regret on everyday that i live ... try not to do anything that i would regret .... there mayb mistake .. but i learn to correct the mistake instead of grumbling n regret over it ... i hope i could make it ...yes i still do grumble n complain .. if not i wont be here .. typing out my emo .... but i try to oni release unwanted emo here .. instead of on others ... i teach her .. some time ago ... when i knew she blame me ... blaming me not being beside her .. i said sorry to her ... tried to explain .. but i noe there is no point explaining anymore ... because she cant take it in ... not me alone .. her best fren .. also teach her the same thing ... appreciate every moment u have ... u will never noes when things comes to an end .... take it as if it will end tomoro .. at least u will make urself happier today ....

i heard from another him .. a bout love .. he ask me ... how do i love a person .. he said that u first have to love that person ... n after that must have ur own limit ... n ask urself wat do u wan ? is that a conditional loving ?? y shud we ? yes ... everyone comes to this world plays their own role ... make use of each other to get wat we wan ... either in a good way or in a bad way ... but y cant u first love someone unconditionally with a limit u noe it urself .. thats all u could give ... u could love him or her jus wans to see him/her healthy n happy ... when it reach a limit .. u can always remains there ... love someone is much better than u hate someone ... frens always say .. y love makes them suffer ?? i could not explain it for them .. because i dun find it suffer ... for me ... u love someone .. jus show it ... i had 3 pass relationship b4 ... but till now i never regret .. mayb for my mum it seems not a nice relationship ... but atleast .. im very happie at that moment ... love some one is also a kind of happiness ... is not important on what u get in the end ... but is the process of loving someone ...

i felt ur love ... u dun have to actually explain so much ... i felt ur love so much ... i knew u love me so much ... trying so hard ... to show it the way we needed ... but i noe is not ur way ... i dint wan to force u ... cause i noe u try ... i noe wat u did ... im sorry i did blame u when i was a bit young .... but u have to understand my situation ... im oni at my teenage ... u cant expect me to understand all this in a split second .. u cant expect me to accept the way u love me in that moment ... but still im sorry ... i hope u could feel that i love u so much ... i learn to accept ur way .. i hope u learn to accept my way too .. i hope that u could understand how i show my love to u ... im trying ur way ... but i cannot reach a point that is balance yet ... give me sometime ... i can handle it .. hopefully ...

n i hope u learn to let it go ... n forget .... n let it out for the new u ...

永恒的依靠

2008-10-18T10:16:00.001-07:00

从前，在童稚无知的年代，妄想在不安及陌生中，选找一个永恒的依靠-- 最靠近的、最亲近的、最温暖的那根支柱，只是这人生的驿站，你的、他的，一站又一站，却没有可以永久停靠的地方。

长大后，妄想在人情冷暖中，寻找一个永恒的依靠。从金钱里、从爱情里、从繁华虚浮的名利里，只是红尘梦醒时，碎落一地镜花水月，拥有的快，失去得也快。

年老后，妄想在生命的周而复始中，寻找一个永恒的依靠。从付出中学会执著、从拥有中享受执著、从爱恨中坚持执著。不放，不放，我绝不放手！

where comes the one could let me rely rest on ?

love is something great.

2008-10-18T10:12:00.001-07:00

(post sometimes ago... some where else... plan to close down the blog there cause is not a happy one ... but jus wan to keep this cause is lik not bad .....)
love is not u expect from some one ... but something u could pay for someone u really love them ... love is how u see it .. how u feel it .. but not wat u can expect for ..never expect someone would love u... but love someone with ur true heart ... the someone might love u back .... n never judge ... lik mother teresa say ... dun judge others .. if u do so u have to time to love somebody ... is that way .... sometimes ppl do calculate how much u love some body .. how nice he/ she treat u .... how much he / she could give u ... how is his/ her future .. does this all matter when u r happy with someone which have no future ... lik a story i jus read in the bulletins ... why do u love somone ? do love really needs a reason ... if u r in comma one day .. can do wat ever makes me love u that day ? never can do .... but do i still love u ??? yes i do ... i do still loves u .....does love always happen only among husband n wife .. bf n gf ?? no .. not limit to jus this ... ur parents .. ur family ... ur frens ... u can even pay ur love to a stranger .. is jus a different way of loing different people .... this is serious ... do u ever say i love u to ur mum or ur dad ?? i bet most of those in my friend list does not ... y ?? y shud we b shy of saying i love u ?? i learn to say i love u from my god mum ... i love her so much ... she teach me how to appreciate everyday i have ... how to appreciate eery person that i have ... apprecate every experience that i have ... how to even laugh n most important how to say i love u .... every time u say i love u ... mean it ... dun jus say it .... but mean it ... treat ppl wit ur true heart ... then u'll b appreciate .... even u r not ... never regret how much u pay .. ow much u did love someone b4 ... but jus remember how hapie r u when u love them ... even u r not happie .. at least u try ur best to love them with wat u have ... tell ur mum that u love her .... tell ur siblings that u love them... tell ur frens that u love them... dun regret ... never do ....

16/07

2008-07-16T07:01:00.000-07:00

i could not post this stuff on my friendster blog .. y ?? i dowan to b one of the gossip topic ... im alright with all those topic .. but i dun wan it to b so high profile .. im very happie with my situation now ... btw .. y m i here today ?? because i could not get him out of my mind anymore .. i realise i love him so much ... but except i love him .. which word that i can use to describe it anymore ?? i dun think there is anyword in the dictionary more powerful than this word to let him feel me .... sometimes .. so wish i could be the girl he could hold hands infront of his frens ... be the girl that he will tell everyone this is my gf ... but still wan it to b low profile .. wat m i thinkng ... soemtimes is weird wen ppl ask me ... wan to tell or dowan to tell ... hmm dillemma .. but this is nothing muc anymore ... im very happy to b the girl in his heart .. hopefully... it is as wat i think ... hopefully he will thinks the same way as i do .... jealousy ... not so say no ... is impossible to say no for a girl actually ... haix ... but i wan my freedom .. so i've to giv him his freedom too ... jus hope he really do giv me .. i noe he is jealous .. i can feel it .. n he tells me ... but im glad n very happie ... he would tell me the truth onhow he feeels ... sorry dear ... dun mean to make u jealous .. but im happie ... so happie ... it shows how important m i in ur heart ... argh!!!!
ok end of it .... now .. my MUET results .. y is i so sucks ??? omg ... band 4 again ... it seems no improvement ... jus a litte more to go ... y not ju let me reach it ?? y not ??? jus that little to go ... i shud not b complining here... there is someone else which is worst .. 1 mark to reach .. i shud b glad im not the one ... phew .. ok la .. en of my story today ... hmmm .. consider that i have a happie day today ...

21/05

2008-05-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

for such a long time .. i dint update my blog .. ask for breakup officially.. she dint wan it .. but wat to do .. i cant stand it anymore .. y cant i withstand this harsh condition .. do u wanna noe wat harsh condition this is ? can u hold on to a person betraying u 3 times .. asking u to tolerate she having another lover ? at the same time having u ?? is this understandable ?? well dunno .. once mayb yes .. but 3 times .. althought there is 2 times is the same ppl .. but wat is the point on continuing? i cant find a reason for it ...to say yes .. for the pass 2 times yes i love her ... n because of that ihold .. n i noe that lover will break her heart sooner n later .. so i waited .. at last .. for jus a few months .. she all for me... but for that few months .. suddenly she fall in love with another person.. because of this .. i noe that .. she cant be trust anymore ... so this is my desicion .. hope she can respect it ..

20/04

2008-04-19T23:33:00.000-07:00

there has been some time wer i havent been blogging... but today im back .. real sad n real hurt since yesterday ... sometimes .. not every thing u can predict that it'll be happening in that way ... well ... may b that will b my last time seeing her face to face ... mayb that will b my last time holding her hand... mayb not anymore .. or mayb yes ... never noes ... but y ?? me n her ... really good ... we can share that the best part.. can he n his wife share in the sense ?? if he cant me n her will be a better coupe than he do ... did he learn to comunicate n accept others reason before he scold ? he never will ?? y ?? do everyone's prinsip is as same as his ? not everyone ... but if he wn others to follow his principle y dun he tell ... wats the point to do when he doesnt even accept it ? mayb making the point thathis mind is old shud make me feel better ... when he said something .. does he even think using his cerebelum ? or mayb he jus uses his cerebral to think ?? or may b even knee cap to think even he say .. he say i ask nonsense ... he say nonsense does he feel that ? he say nonsense which sometimes make een worst sense than my nonsense which im trying to find topic to talk to him ... towards him .. everyone shud read his mind ?? itz ? if i dun read his mind means i cant comunicate with him ... but does he allows us to read his mind ? he is building up walls around him ... he'll shoot down everyone that try to climb over the wall to reach him ... wat is this for ... fire has burning inside... we r jus trying to put away the fire ... but did u giv us the chance... y shud u burn us up first before even asking the purpose we r stepping into ur side of wall .. we r jus trying to put away ur fire ... we r not putting oil on it ... we cant help u if u keep on adding fuel to ur self ... some others advice is jus to let u see from different angle .. u dun have to accept it if u dun wan it ... but at least u try to look from different angle before u catch ur fire on... hope sometimes u think b4 u action ... n remember wat u have said sometimes ... is not for u to act dunno after scoldng ... is too late to say sorry when sometimes u have break someones heart ... is too late to do anything after u break someone happiness ... u wanna get it back is not that easy anymore .... think for urself n at least think from others ppl stands ... pls.... i really beg u ....

6/3

2008-03-06T02:58:00.000-08:00

today ... finish exams finish getting all my results .. feel relax ... but have some thoughts which i can never understand... y on earth there is such selfish people. how come they only do think about their existance, their feeling n ignore about others ... forcing others to accept all their nonsense incorrect theory... wat is this world about ... im jus to use to it... any where n anyhow... i still will take up my phone wants to call her... but now. i control... tell myself not to press the call button unless is up to her to call me back ... this whole things seems im the one to blame ... but who is the one which goes wrong. i think u noe wat i want to meant to u. but u always close both of ur ears. ignoring every single thing that i hope u to slowly considerate of others ... not to me ... the the community ... your frens ... you really need to learn... i really hope time i am with you i could at least change a little of your thinking. jus be more considerate instead of asking everyone to considerate you...

30/12

2007-12-29T08:59:00.000-08:00

1am ..47 hours more to finish 2007.. 2007 ... the year with lots of memory ... uncountable things happen in this year .... thi year has not been lik other pass year ... it seems so fast ... from 1/1-31/12 seems lik a day or a month time .... not even a single second is left to rest ... ot even a single moment my mind is without her ... wakakaka .... mayb ... i shud spare some space now ... ready for 2008 ... ready for the new knowledge i need to receive .. ready for the new stuff that i have to learn ... ready for the new upcoming challenge ... especially my stpm ... jus hope it will be in only 1 alphabet n it is AAAA.... hax ....

27/12

2007-12-26T18:46:00.000-08:00

time jus past too fast for me to even notice it .... from 1/1 till now ... last few days of year 2007 .... it seems lik ... yesterday is 1/1/2007 n now is 31/12/2007.. stepping in 2008 ... is a happie year or sore year ... no one will noe .... is jus fate .... n shall wait n see .... but i think it'll b a very tough year for me ... from facing the stress in the first class ... to facing friends ... new frens ... new environment ... n most important .. stpm ... can i pass with flying colors ... is a simple 5 subject .. can i pass with all A's ?? 4 subject ... i dun wish to turnout 4 B's ... really sad to b that way .... n i have no way to continue my journey for my dream .... well .... is so soon ... jus a few days left .... 85 hours left to 2008 ... less than even a hundred hours .... is really a fear to noe the future ... bu is a fact to be believe .......... wat m i crapping now ?? who cares .... times comes time go ... time will never wait ... dats wt i could say ... i myself .... personally think i should precious my time more from now ... cause ... wat if i die tomoro ... rigt ??

after tuition .. nothing much to do ... as i expected earlier ... is true .... she'll b late again ... but i suddenly thought of something ... when is the last time i meet on my dad ... or o say speak to my dad ... for even 1 word .... i dunno how long will this continue ... i jus hope it ends as soon as possible ... is soon to b 2008 ... so soon .... i hope wat i face in 2007 will disappear together with the year gone .... the time which disappear ... everything will b brand new again on year 2008 ...

26/12

2007-12-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

很气。。。真的很气人。。忍他忍了这么久。。。竟然。。。一声拜拜就盖了！！这算什么意思！！没把我放在眼里！！！过分。。。我开始不明白。。我为什么对这么多人不满？？为何总对他们不满？？可能他们和我比较亲吧。。。我在意他们。。。所以对他们对我的态度也特别敏感。。。应该是这样。。from dd.gene.mm then jie .... now wien .. i jus care for them .. dats y i care how they treat me .... they r jus equally important in my heart ... each plays their roles in my life ... which makes me cant lose anyone of them ... mayb is jus go 1 way ... from me to them ... but looking the smile on their faces ... actually .. sometimes is enough to forget all the effort i pay .... the work i gone through ... haix ....

13/12

2007-12-13T04:14:00.000-08:00

today is such a busy day ... but heard something so diappointed ... but at least i noe it ow ... at first dint put much hope .... n slowly the hope get lesser .... n now dun hope it at all ... she is not comin anymore ... y she treat me this way ... but dun care la .... 1 day she still will come de...
this whole month happen so many things ... is lik ... tons of it happen again n again .... from my cousie wedding ... is the first weddind at home ... with high hope .... with hirh expectation ... end up with tons of quarell n scolding ... y itz lik dat ... wedding .. shud b happie .... but for simple n stupid stuff .... y is her husband so not sporting ... his wedding .... y cant he make it fun .... sadest thing i to see him not respect my cousin sis at all ... soon ... my cousin sis will live together with him ... looking at him not respect her at all ....is really a sad thing for her ... hope she'll b happie ... wont b tortue than....
after the kuantan wedding ... continue to jaybee .. 2 days ... the oni thing i noe how to do there is shop ... went holiday plaza ... dint bought much .. jus simply shop n shop ... bought new specs ... n nw con ... but a lil unhappie with my dad ...im his daughter ... y is he so unhappie i having new specs .... y is he asking money back from me... buy other things i dint ask for extra ... this is all once in a while thing ... y ?? shud i not question it ??
kl-sunway lagoon trip was nice ... but y ?? staying so much day ... is lik staying at home... seems no differents ... all the same as staying at home ... geram ... jus ask whether can he bring me to somewer i wish to go ... without even asking for extra pocket money ... y is he bringing everything together ... is lik im always out for shopping .. he is not at home weekdays .. wat do he noe ... oni thing he noe is because once every bout 2 weeks im out for shopping ... but wat do i do outside ... he noe ?? he doesnt noe it .... geram .... pek chek ... he doesnt even noe it ... have a notti boy here ...will continue tomoro ...
though is consider next morning ... but i still continue here ...sometimes really make people so disappotted .. some words r jus so harsh that it really hurts u deeply .... after that .. for 8 days ... thought is busy ... but im happie ... very tiring but happie ... jus because im not with 2 guys which dun appreciate wat ido always ... love them so much ... trying to help them ... end up to have heartbreaking reaction .. after that 8 days ... things get better until 13/12.. haix ...

10/12

2007-12-09T21:18:00.000-08:00

is so long from my last post .... my travelling have past ... my course have finish .... the gathering is also past .... but is kinda disappointed .... wel ... tried so hard to make ait a succesful 1 ... but i fail to do so .... is such a long story .... few sad things happen a round this whole month .... but is too long to talk bout it now ... i oni have 10 minutes left to shut off my things .... so i think i will updated next time ... wen i have more time to do so .... hope this sad stuff will pass soon ...

22/10

2007-10-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

back to school after 1 week of holiday ... also so soon to have exam ... but shocking .... heard something really shocking ... n now actually i dunno who to trust ... both i cant trust ... both of them r not my kind to trust them ... who should i trust ... sometimes ... life is realy lik dat ... n i always face this kind of thing ... since standard 1 ... i've to face two diff kind of ppl .... how shud i say .... shud i say ...my frens ... i dunno y .... im alwix to b the hamburger ... no wonder my breast is so small ... mayb .... is because of this i think... haha .. who noes ...but ... when start to face this ... we choose to ignore ... choose to make dunno .... most of the time this is the best way .... to avoid arguement .. to avoid fights ,.... life ... lotsa ppl jus cant hold this kind of thing n it happens .... fights n argue here n there ... i've learn ... learn to jus accept ... everyone got it owns attitude include me .. i wan others to accept mine so as others wish me to accept theirs .. so is jus have to work both way ... me n her ... here it ends ... but may the story continue .. we'll never noes ... jus let god decide it ... let gods makes the desicion ... i happie with how m i now ... she is happie n im happie .. cause we r both free ... free from relationship boundaries ... we noe ... in our heart ... both of us r jus equally important to each other ... mayb ... maintain as it is now is the best wy ... wait till she i ready to accept again to continue our story n ourlife ..... forgive n forget ... accept no matter is right or wrong ... no matter u lik it or not if u treat someone as ur fren ... a fren will correct ur wrong .. ur attitude which is rude ... but a fren wont correct ur attitude which dun goes his or her way ... so .. see ur fren properly ...

now i realise how much i love u ... im so afraid to see u hurt ... afraid to see u hurt no matter in ur heart or physically ... so worry .... im so scare ... im really afraid .... but now ... noeing u r ok ... noeing u r jus fine ... hearing u have a happie voice .. no matter is it from your deep heart ... im still happie with it ... is great to see u again .... i lov u ...

21/10

2007-10-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

i hope this culd continue ... wel ilove her ... but i dowan to have her .... n now she sid she dowan .... i noe sh cant .... dats is also y all this long i dint leave her .... is jus dis important to unerstand .... understand wat others need .... to respect wat others wan .... u'll b happie n get wat u wan also .... wat u giv really pays .... so... now i no i ned to love my mum more ... is jus so so so so important to lovemy mum .... wel ... i here ... pray that u aween will be happie n live for the life u wan ... dun live for others ... live for urself .... no one wil think for u if udun think for othes .... dis is jus important..... me as me .... i jus love to mke others happie ... i dun care .... im sad ... im being bullied .... but as long ....someone is happi with it ,.. erm ... my gathering ... my studies ... haix ... dun care ... start now .. jus hope larry .... aween ... all can b happie ... hope i could help them .... hope my words make them happie ... make thm noe how to face their prob .. hope they can fce it easily ... hope u could get overit asap .... pray for u ...

19/10

2007-10-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

10 days more to exam ... n now oni i started to study ... n still i can have time here ... having this blog ... keeping it a secret from others .. not to say a secret .. jus dowan anyone to noe bout this blog .... jus feeling dropping my feelings here .. without other otice ... i noe someone... will alwaysconcern bout me after reading it .. someone out there ... silently supporting me .. hoping me to b happie ... i'll pray fo him to hve the greatest happiness in life .... thankyou .. soemtimes jus need someone to concern ... n i always get you ... mayb ... i keep my feelings ... but i noe ur heart .. n sometime very happie to see u concern bout me ... today ... hearing someone .. having problem from family , love ,friends ,health , money... is lik all .... it suddenly make me remember bout myself .... last time ... me facing lots n lots of stuff ... n i jus leave my love ... i jus giv up ...giv up on my love ... n i knew im wrong .... but is over ... dun feel lik thinking back ... but things jus came into my mind ... is all bout our attitude ... sometimes we jus need to go through it oni we can see n noe how to face it ... n everythign is ovr by then ... life ... that s how it goes ...
Attitude ~ are we up to that level yet? food for thought!
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?" So she did and she had a wonderful day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?" So she did and she had a grand day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she h ad only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!" Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly....... Leave the rest to God! Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

18/10

2007-10-18T04:12:00.000-07:00

having gastric now .... real bad one this time ... haiz ... suffering .. jus hope she could care ... but im the one choosing not to tel her ... so nevermind la ... as i say.... dun care bout her unlss she care bout me ...haha .. blek .... i waste my time here again ... dint study again... erm .. she cry this morning ... but dunno for wat reason ... feel so hurt to hear her crying ...but she dowan to tell me y ... i cant do anything bout it ... jus to support hr n b by her side ...dear ... remember i support u always k ... muaxie ... i noe u wont b looking at this ... but is jus my heart ... jus hope u feel it .... i love u forever ... i noe now is still not time to leave u ... when i feel is time ... i'll do it as i promise to her ... but dunno how long willit take ... as the condition now ... it seems hard for me to jus leave ... is seems jus hard .... i hope u could treat her better ... i hope u'll never make her cry again ... i do make her cry too ... but not that often ... as long u could make her laugh more than i do ... make her cry less than i do ... i'll leave ... n that also the time i finish my job for her .... hope u understand ... n not me trying to drag ... dun need long .. u jus need to prove to me that u r better n i'll leave ... very easy ... but u could not .... love is not about words ... but action .... ur love to her r jus staying at words ... i noe she love u ... n i dunno does she love me .... but as lon there is someone ... always staying beside her .. being happie n sad with her ... n at least wont run away n disappear in a sudden ... im happie enough ....study first .... to b continue

17/10

2007-10-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

as sometimes i feel ... is she jus to fu yan me .... jus to make me happie or the sake of happy ... nothing else ... but i've learn to accept ... ever have their own reason behind .... wat she lik to do ... i'll jus let her .... wat she wan .. i'll jus let her.... me here .... my job is jus to make her happy n my self happy nothing else .... is jus happy enough to see ppl around me happy .... nothing much ... but today someone call .. asking whether can she come n study at my house tomoro ... dunno y... something jus drive me to ignore her ... i dun study .... but something jus drive me not to accept her invite ... dunno wat have drive me to do so ..... but ... me my own ... i dunno .... if u wan to do group study ... me alone having the good ... wats the point ?? she .... always here ... jus to on9 ?? is it ? i dunno ... she say no ... but i dunno .. as i observe .... yes she is .... is not dowan let her on9 ... but then if i let her ... wats the point ??? sometimes im so bored of it .... asking n telling again n again .... listening n listening again ... i glad this week of holiday i dun have to listen to her .... but y did she called to ask again .... i feel so bad on declining her .. but wat to do .... i jus wan some rest .. good rest .... real good ones .... doin my own stuff .... n for god sake ..i wanna take care of my ear ... mayb im selfish this time .... but im really bored of i .... i really wan some rest ... yes .. is for few days d ... but i wan few days more b4 i hear her voice again ... sha sha ... she is a good fren .. i noe ... i can feel so .... but ... jus lik to play arguing game with her ... dunno ... ju cnt get my mouth shut when i see her ... mayb .. we r jus too close .... as for others .... which i m not dat close ... something very private i did tell them ... mayb .. is all jus because my parents dunno their parents ... sometimes .... something i really cant tell sha .... all jus because... her parents noe my parents ... the news will go as fast as a lightning ... so i choose to ignore it .... n dun tel her .... i hope my fren out there wont feel im selfish .... n sosorry ... cant accept ur invite ... jus wanna do my own stuff .... my own stuff for this holiday ... dowan to involve school frens unless for tuition ... will b very tired .....

16/10

2007-10-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

sometimes i suddenly feel myself so fake .... im so hurt .. deep inside ... but y ... y can i act lik ntg .. mayb ... jus because i dowan to get any agrue again ... i dowan to get hurt even deeper ... choosing to ignore it is better than anything ... everything is jus fine to b this way... shud i leave her ... the message i receive ... shud i obeyed it ?? or shud i listen to her n ignore it ... i dun noe ... as i feel ... she cant live witout her presense ... but she's happier with me ... shud i leave ?? i position is something lik dat guy i knew .... coupled with the wrong girl ... but he found a better n good girl .... thank god for him .. shud i do as he did ?? bt as he did .. he also cant leave the girl ... the girl which choose to leave him even the girl is so happie with him .. mayb .. this is wat cal love ... mayb .. she jus love her but not me .. wat she wan from me is jus happiness ... the happines where she coundn't find on her .... she looking for that warm n happinest from me ... she noe i'll concern bout her .. i'll care bout her ... n most important i doenst care she have anyone else .... i does'nt control her .... n everything .... i'm jus at the side wer .... erm .. shud say ... someone to make her happie ... told her anyne could do that ... good ppl are all around .. is jus on how u find it .... how u treat this kind of ppl .... lik me ... someone on this earth ... someone did appreciate my way of giving my love .... but there is alsoppl doesnt accept ... ignore ... treat as rubbish .. everything ... is jus how u look at it .... u can look at it at many different angle .. many differen way .... have n enjoy it even thought is at a bad situation or condition .... u wanna b happie ... no matter under wat condition n situation .... u can b hppie ....is jus how u look at stuff ... being happie is a way of facing life .... being happie will help u forget the sadness ... being happie ... especially with little kids ... may makes u laugh .... laugh without reason ... n jus with this laughter ... everything datgs is hard n tough will mean nothing to u anymore .... always rememeber to look from different angle b4 blaming or having a decision ....

14/09

2007-10-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

2 days after raya ... n when i write this .. i 3 days ... i expected something will happen again this raya .... n it happen .... it actually happen again ... she cried to me again ... she cry for others to me again ... n i seems so cool n calm this time ... i cried too ... but silently .... i dun dare to put hope on her any more ... not even a little ... as for me now ... i jus wan it to b happie ... no matter wat .. i'll jus ignore n make duno ... y m i starting to b lik dat ??? im alwiz lik dat since 2006 world cup ... i noe is better not to ask not to noe ... n make dunno to urfeelings ... even sometimes its hurt .... very hurt .... but is still better to make duno .. ignore thoe hurt feelings ... mayb u'll say ... ths is all avoiding ... but avoidng is easier than facing ... n for me now ... i dun think is a compulsory for me to face it ... ignore might make me feel better .... mayb ... or im hurt deeply ??? hurt silently without me myself knowing it ?? i duno .... mayb i jus prefer o be ignorant .... wel ... telling love again ... i wondering sometimes ... y do i love her ... is jus n ilogical feeling .. no one can explain.... but by bio ... we do can explain it .... is jus someone which makes ur hormones of drugs increase ... y is dat someone ... n for me y is she ?? n for her y is not me ?? y ?? shud i not ignore n leave her ? but if i do ... i noe i'll hurt her ... i dun wan to .. but how ??? n y ??? is this all call love .. willing to sacrifise for the one u love ....haiz .... im blind i noe ... blindfold by love... everything covered me ... in my eyes there left her .... oni her in my world ... no one else is able to enter ... is that right ... i think my assumption is all right!!! i love u ... do u feel it ?? i'm here suffering from thesalt u pour on my wound ..do u feel it ??? can u concern more ??? do u feel me ??? can u ?? im hurt u noe ?? im hurt silently by u ... did u noe dat ?? i hope u do .... im still here alive ... waiting for u silently in my simple world ....in my world of dark ... i hope u could come n shine it again ... could u ?? is it possible ??? or i shud walk around blindly in darkness for another spark of light in my life ??? dear ... can u pls come to me ?? u make me love u ... n now u tell me u love someone else .... im hurt .... y d u wanna make me love u in the first place ?? y ??

12/10

2007-10-12T06:44:00.000-07:00

it has been sometime im away from here .. away from my blog ..jus because of line n router problem .. n today im back again as usual .. as many things happen for this 2 weeks ... many many things happen ... well ... tomoro is raya ... n follow with a 1 week holiday ... will it make me more lazy ?? i dunno .. i jus feel so tired ... feel lik reasting for the whole 1 week .. but i noe i cant waste my time any more ...i need to study .. need to get in first class .. i mus n i need too ... well ... this week .. i feel im so far apart from my darling again .. wer is she ?? she is busying for the raya preperation ... n me .. busy for my exam preparation ... she is physically tired .. n im mentally ... we both r tired everyday ... doin our own stuff ... less chat ...but mayb this is good for both of us... 1 month d .. i dint meet her for 1 month d ... so lonf ... time pass so fast ... we really need to appreciate every seconds that is gifed to us .... we will never noe wat will happen the next second ... so we mus always appreciate ... n treat evryt second that we have is the last second that we have in our life .... n wit that ... we will have better n great life ... we will never regret every second that we spend !!!

erm i think i shall post my past 2 here ... which i type in words ...

21.09
Well … today .. there is something wrong with the line … kinda geram .. but who cares … im still here writing to myself … well … today again.. I seems to b ignore again … but nvm… im use to it …well .. whole day…. Dun seems to have anythoughts today .. mayb I spend my time sleeping .. but my fren … kinda good fren … she dint come for tuition again …. Y she never care for her self … sometimes .. I also will skip tuition.. but not so much as her .. not so not caring for her own .. jus hope she could noe how to care bout her own… she … goin to the same tuition with me .. she is jus to lack of attention I think .. she is so crazy … teacher wan her to concentrate .. but do she need to shout all draw all the attention of others … haiz .. jus dislike her .. nvm /.. ignore her again.. today .. spend my time on sleeping … sometimes jus feel so great on sleepin g… haha … well so great …. My dear .. sometimes I dunno wat is she doin …. Everyday sleep .. is she really sleeping I dunno … well I shall jus choose to trust …. Erm …. Back from tuition .. help my dear mm to bank in the cheque .. abck home .. out again to buy food … erm .. life … watch movie … n now I have some thoughts … sometimes thing r really fated … it is yours means it is yours .. most of the time jus need to accept wat isn’t yours …. Well … humans .. everyday learn to accept something … accerpt something new which is to be yours … accept something which is taken away from you… so fuuny right ??? life sometimes is jus lik a joke to human .. everyday … facing diff kind of condition ..

22/09-23/09
Well continuos 2 days … miss out 1 day cause yesterday I way to headache to face my laptop again …. Is kinda hard for me to face striking light in a very very headache condition .. tot of typing it this morning .. but I dint make it … cause kinda tired ….. well … 2 days b4 …. Midnight .. I heard bout the story on the girl being raped n kiiled … oni 8 years old …. I dun think is being raped … I read back the newspaper 2 days b4 .. she’s oni 8 … the private part is being insert with cucumber n anus with brinjal … is way too cruels … she is surely suffering from pain to death … lot of ppl on ths earth rather to die than to suffer .. rather to die pretty than to die ugly .. but this small little girl … she suffer from hunger for 1 month … she suffer from pain b4 she died … but … she still wanna live … she tried to live .. but is so pity … she failed .. the murderer is jus too cruel towards her ….. my tears drop listening to her story .. many ppl cried for her …. The world mayb jus too cruel towards her … but when we look at the good side … mayb god jus wan to bring her back to have a better life up in the heaven … she suffer from kidney problem n high blood pressure .. may b … the god jus cant bare to see her suffer from illness n bring her back to the heaven .. we shall pray for her to hae a good life … we shall not disturb he in her peace world … Saturday … miraclely I woke up early n went for the match … the basketball match .. jus tot to go n have fun … go n have some exercise … but again .. so miracle .. we actually wont the match … n the guys said me n lain r such a good defender .. so happie with it .. but came home I spend my whole day sleeping .. fall asleep without bathing … n mayb … that cause my severe headache at night .. slept kinda early … bout 12 I think … n today I wake up so early .. 1030 .. is counted early for my weekend … call my dear so long .. but .. haha … she dint answered ,.. mayb … she slept so soundly … went ate lunch with dd n mm .. hehe … mice lunch … n came back sleep again … then wake up .. bath for my little whisky n bath my own .. haha … after that … start to have headache again … but still fine .. not that bad as yest … then went out for dinner … wow .. very full dinner .. n go around round round … dinner for bout 1 n a half hour … wow… long .. but feel so warm .. get the feeling being the only girl in the house fro few days .. my little bro not at home dats y .. hehe …well … happie again … n now .. I think .. my headache is coming .. mus have some rest d … muax … night … I wanna oink d ….

dats for 2-3 days ... which after dat im so lazy ... erm .. well .. i decide to type something ... but not now .. need to prepare my exam first ... important !!! hehe ... bye for now ...

20/09

2007-09-20T03:29:00.000-07:00

from lastnight .... at first ... chated ... but.. han off ...ms or a while ...icalled gain ... chat again ... then ... hang off... cause of her frn called her ... getting abit ignore by her ... but nvm... as long as she i hapie .... as long she noes how to take care of her self .... jus wan her to b happie ... feel so sorry dint answer her call today ... im really busy ... im sorry dear ... whole day .. beeing so tired ... plus i feel so sick ... so heaty n stomachache... haiz ... from school ... not full period ... but is tiring enough ... sa back after school for meeting .. met that girl again ... so hate ( erm not to say hate jus dislike her) herattitud is really too muc .... jus to show o on everything ... never change on the attiude ... reminds her so manytimein camp .... never pay effort to chnge herself .... evrything mus go her way .... never think of others .... jus dislike it so much ... luckily im not her class ... can jus ignore n act as if she is not there ... geram oni ... finish meeting ... for the school girls rulez .... rush all the way to tuition by my bike ... a bit skilless ... but reach there safely .... n start tuition ... sometimes i feel i really is so LOA-ted.... well ... ppl seems to ignore me ... is it jus because my temper is too good ... n i never seems to argue ... mayb ... humans r born to have some temper .... but is jus my temper drop on a diferent section ... haha ... ppl never seems to see my temper .... jus reach home from tuition .. from morning 7 till now ... 11hours .... tiring day ... even tuition also kinda sleepi .... well .. today again i realise that life is jus up to how u appreciate urself ... suddenly thought of yesterday ... wer lisa say im sopatient n positive thinking ... i was so blur wer ... i cant understand y did lisa so shock with my reaction ... an ant on my body ... she told me that n the reaction i gave was ... wah ... ant so love me ah .... well ... for me is jus a normal reaction .... y is she so shock about it ?? mayb .... no one will think dat way .... as in ... happie is a day ... un happie is a day .... y dun we jus choose a happie way to live in ... right ?? suddenly tot of my dears word yesterday .... she ask me about ... some question ... about relationship ... as i told her ... is think positively .. at that moment ... i suddenly feel .. how important to trust on ur trust ... wat does it mean .... it jus mean ... dun regret wat ever u trust in ... may b u r wrong ... but u choose to trust .... jus trust wat ever has been told ... mayb that is more happie .... dun think deep into it ... dats make life easier ... i trust my dear ... i trust she would with me ... shr would care for me ... som ignorance is jus she is tired ... dats wat i trust in now ... so i choose continue to trust rather than suffer in my heart ... trust someone with ur sincere n pure heart makes ur life easy ... mayb sometime may face some betray ... is really hurt ... but as long the betray someone did to u make him or her happie ... well .. u make someone on this earth happie ... so y r u not happie with it .... it is jus agin u need to find another one to replace the hurt ... jus find another one to put ur trust in .... n the cycle goes again ... it'll turn a few rounds in ur life ... so y do humans take it so hard ... y is it so hard to over come it ... wat we need is jus time .... everyone faces this cycle at different time ... different rate ... so learn everytime u go 1 round ... u'll realise the cycle will maintain longer each time it goes ....

19/09

2007-09-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

today's is lisa birthday .. but she seems so un happy... well i dunno wat is happening to her .. jus hope she could spend her birthday happily ... well .. she n larry ... is such a good couple but ...jusbacause of family problem so they r not together ... both r suffering ... haha .. well kinda pity them ....whole day in school kinda tired .... from morning .. then untill chem period .. so sleepy... really dun understand wat she is saying about ... finish school ... wen for duty n after that watch the foot ball match .. well ...kinda fun ... hehe ... never watch a foot ball match live b4 .... but is so hot ... plus i puasa again today ... moe tired n heaty .... well ... i cme back slightly earlier... having a good nap n nice sleep ... but dint seems to study again today ... wow ... lazy really .. hmm .. today ... me n my dear .. well dint contact much .. jus few sms ... few calls .... till now .. still lik dat .. dint really talk much ... well .... erm ... life is sometimes so unpredictable ... my dearest mm ... today treating me so great ... so nice .... but then . hmm ... dunno ... well .. life is jus like that ... everyday got some suprise ... soe times good soetimes bad ... unpredictable .. so jus enjoy every second that u have .. try every thing u wish to try ... jus never regret on ur life everyday ... never regret of anything u do ... never thing negatively ... then life would b so much more happie ...

18/09

2007-09-18T06:29:00.000-07:00

today is yi-lyn's birthday ... honestly to say ... my feeling towards her as a good fren fades away .. im trying so hard to make her study .. make her care for her self ... i dunno bout it .. her love life ... her study life .. jus hope she noes how to take care of her self ... well ... today i puasa again ... erm is kinda worth it .. it prove i can do it .... well .. i did get thinner .. but now ... i dun have the appetite to eat anymore .. for me food suddenly became no more fu n entertaining for me .. last time.. i see food .. erm .. well u will go for it no matter wat .. but now... i can actually control my self .. i can actually stop myself from eating n drinking .. kinda weird .. mayb because of my attitude n ways i look at life now adays ... well ... whole day ..full class .. 1 free period ... have a little rest .. whole day .. i dun get any response from her ... from morning .. expectget to sms with dear ... but end up .. she's sleeping so soundly in her bed ... n in the afternoon ... tot can have sometime together .. but end up ... she is sleeping n im too ... so .. till night .. jus past ...she call me for a while .. n i callher back .. wat i wan was jus she beside me .. again .. i cant feel her again ... mayb is jus too far ... mayb is jus ot easy to maintain a long distance relationship ... asking wat she i doin ... her answe will always b ntg .. can someone doin ntg ?? well .. asking her who call ... wat she'll say is at most fren ... which fren u dunno ... ok fine .. u wanan do it ds way i shall leave for it to b ... but will i lose u for doin this .. will i ?? do u still care bout our relationship ?? if u still care plz care me abit more .. plz tell me morebout u ... i got no chance to understand u ... u'll never let me .... after afternoon nap .. i feel is even worst .. seems to get more sleepi n more headache .. mayb i becaue waking up in between .. dint really sleep well ... dats y ... dun slee well is even worst then dint sleep .. sometimes ... i really prefer im staying alone .. without any disturbance ... but i still need my family ... who noes .. i noe when i leave them i will wan them more .. cause i tried ... n im not at home for3 months ... as for me .. i prefer that moment ... yes .. things have to b done by my own .. but ... for the small little place of mine .. i manage to handle it .. not perfect ... but is fine for me to stay in ... i jus prefer home alone feeling .. is much more better then beeing disturb continuosly.... haiz ... sometime i really doesnt know wat iwan ... mayb .. jus a little peace ... alittle space of mine is more then enough ... dun need much social .. mayb .... as i could walk on my own as laine said im crazy .. but is not a big deal ... enjoying by yourself is also great ... mayb they havent got to that stage yet .. haha .. relaxing by ur own is also great .. dreaming in ur own world for thatmoment ... wow .. is so great .... without any control not any rules ... is jus an imagination .. haha .... is time to come back to the reality .... how great .. ned to get things done b4 is time for bed ....

17/09

2007-09-17T06:09:00.000-07:00

my plan was ruin today .. haha .. my plan on puasaing ... haha ... well is not a big deal actually ... ruin jus try again tomoro ... not everything always go in the right place ... but today it seems quite a number of thing doesnt go in the right way ... well ... at first came home .. so relaxing lyin on he bed .. tt of getting some rest ... well ... got a call from my darlin ... she said she's goin to on9 .. fine ... i shall on9 too .. is not easy t see her on9 ... so i went on9 for laess than 30 minutes .. my dearest mm ... telling me to get ready earlier to go for tuition ... jus because she wan to buy some stuff ...kinda fedup ... y ?? y cant she go alone ... with all kind of nonsense reason saying that no parking n stuff .. well ... ok fine .. but without telling me the time ... she jus came knock on the door n say lets go ...is really fedup .. with my things all not pack up yet ... ok ... i jus hold .. fetch her bought somethings .. n i send her home n straight went tuition .. kinda lte again .. initially plan to reach early ... im actually later than larry .. haix ... finish tuition ... mm ask me to buy something .. so i went to tesco extra ... erm . toto of having my sweet time there ... walking around looking at stuff ... but again i get a cal ... wer r u ... still doan coe back .. ta pau for us .... n bla bla .. asking me to do this n tht again ... haiz ... sent the stuffshe ask to to her frens house .. n stop to buy things ... well ... buy stuff .. always her job .. asking me to do it again ... n again ... kinda tired n headache ... wana have some rest .. but again tis is wat i get ... reach the plce ... with the shop closed ... called her again ... n now she is telling me nevermind ... we shall eat maggi ... ag .. fedup with all this .. reach home ... tot of having a nice chat ... manatau ... again get some nuisance... arg .... really dun understand it ... do one understand wat is love ... how can they communicate this way ... it'll jus end with break up .. haiz ... wanna help .. but he jus get me so fedup n i gave up on it .. n i felt he dunno wat is love at all ... love is accept n lik wat one lik naccept the goods n bads of someone .. lov the way he / she is ... but they dun seems to undestand at all ... wanting the other side to b the way they wan ... wat kind of love is this .. no tolerate at all .. nver last .. they jus need each other at that moment oni ... n now ... they doenst seems to need each other anymore ... so ...haiz ... is up to them .. not myproblem .... giving up hope ... ok ... time to get some work done ... n sleep...

16/05

2007-09-16T06:05:00.000-07:00

today i did puasa again ... proven that i can do wat ever i wan to do ... n is proven that if i wan my dream to come true i can ... wel ... from today ... erm .. more to say .. mid night ... bout 230+ ... dear called me ... n ask if i can share credit ... i tried ... but is jus a few cent less ... n i think there is some prob on the hotlink site ... jus cant log on to *100#... get kinda fedup ... but i tried ... i even wake up jus to check on9 n see whether there is anything i could do ... jus wan to chat more with her .. jus wanna spend more time with her b4 i once again loose her ... i tried so hard .. at lst i gave up .. but i still called her ... the oni words she gave me is im sleepi ... lets go sleep ok ... good nite .. n without even caring myfeelings .. she hang off .. this morning .. 630 ... i was waiting with full hope on her call ... but it jus bring disappointment to me .. i once again see ntg on the phone screen ... kinda sad bout it ... but i dint bother but went back to sleep ... n now ... i really could not wait .. bout 930 ... i called her .. so many times ... until then she really pick up her phone ... but again ... wat i get was scolding ... n complaining that i bring probs to her ... i made her headache .. n she jus ignore n a reason tht she dun feel well ... kinda hurt ... n i cried ... i think she noe wat she got wrong .. i dint wanna say anything n ask her to go back to sleep .. i dowan to get any scolding anymore ... its hurt .. very hurt to get someone u love to scold u .... really hurt ... well ... doesnt wanna mention it again ... but after yest ... after deep thoughts ... i sudddenly feel that actually the religion on islam is better n easier for ppl to accept .. or to say have more logic .. at least more than taoist .... lik today .. go pray my grandpa ... well .. put food ... burn papers ... do he really receive ... or he died n will never go away but stayed there foever ... he dowan to have a new life ?? y shud we keep on giving him food n money ?? as i think .. wat we shud do is actually pray n pay some respect .. thats enough ... the purpose we go ... is jus to show that he'll always b in our heart ... even he left earlier ... but is always still a memory to us ... pray ... read bibles or for chinese the "kitab" ... is the real respect we need to pay to him ... well .. though i dun understand ... but is always my religion n i have to follow ... without any futher question ...
today my cute little cousin brother came ... he is so cute n fair ... haha ... tot he wont come to me ... but he actually accept me .. haha ... great .. he is so cute n adorable ... whole day ... after praying i spend on the tv ... itz a waste of time .. but i enjoy the way of it ... mayb .. after a whole week of studying ... wat i need is jus dis .. a relaxing day .. without anyone asking u wat to do ... n wat to follow ... form 6 ... still a long way to go ... mus enjoy my form 6 n not bring it so suffering lik i did last time... now .. i've to learn how to put my relaxation n buziness into a balance state ... n i think i noe wat to do .. hehe ... well .. time to go back on my tv n book ..... should be a fine day again tomoro .. will try on my puasa again ... haha .. mayb i can follow .. who noes ... lets jus try ...

15/9

2007-09-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

well ... as today ... this morning ... 5+ decided to puasa ... which seems kinda weird mayb for a chinese to puasa.. but as i feel malays could do it for 1 whole month y not chinese ... so i tried ... dint drink until 720 .... wel ... is not as hard as i think ... mayb is all because i woke up late .. n i do ntg but study ... mayb this is also a good way to have self control ... haha ... tomoro continue again .. i want to ... but can i ... wat will dd n mm think bout it ?? they surely will ask me t eat or drink .. lets see the condition tomoro ... if allowed to i shall puasa too tomoro... from yesterday ... 11+ slept all the way till today 3 ... kinda comfy to sleep ... cool weather .... wake up .. have my bath ... n start to tidy up my stuff ... tidy up my things .. my notes ... n start to do math ... can say that this is the first time i will sit n do my math ... while listening to music ... after some borin math doin .. start to study on chemistry ... kinda borin on 5 subjects ... but cannot b too selfish or to say greedy .. hmm ... ntg much to do today ...sit n stare most of the time ... well .. mm n dd sa tomoro have t go pray our dearest grandpa ... but i feel so lazy... nvm ... jus do wat ever they ask to ....erm ... today i so feel that wat ever i wan to do i actually can do it ... jus need some effort on it .... i noe i can ... n i will make my dream come true ...!! i think dats all.... ntg special ... jus dis n still dis ... everyday repeating the same stuff ...

14/09

2007-09-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

today's who's birthday ?? - sha sha... well .. do celebrate in cass for her .... but i dun feel happie at all ... i feel so moody ... dun feel lik goin to her party ...well ... feel lik im so useless ... doin nothing at all ... but enjoying my own sweet time here ...im so useless this earth ...all i noe to do is enjoying my life n detroying the earth .... wel ... n waste of the ticking time....
now im back at home lyng on my nice bed ... tot of enjoying my sweet time with my dear ... but she actually busy ... chatting to her fren ... well ... is it that her fren is more important as i feel ... n i was thinking while walking down stairs to have my maggi mee lunch ... not a great lunch ... but jus to fill my tummy .. wel ... finish eating the "nice" lunch .... tot of having a nap .. but today everything seems dun go in the rightway ... wel ... get my dear's miss cal .. so i called her back ... without the mood on talking ... still try to talk to her .. making fun around ... having jokes with her... but all those is jus the appearence of mine .. m i happie ... no ...im not happie ... but y do i laugh ... for ntg .. js to not make her worry .... well .. this talk ... she realise i bluf her ... i lied to her .. im a lier ... wel i am... i lied that i dun have the pic of sha sha .. jus dowan her to noe who is sha sha ... but failed to do so .. she knew at last ... is it the end of it ... i cried ... cried not because of soon to b seperate ... i cried because she cried .... i cried out the frust i have this few days ... the frust ... the stress n frust i've facing .... thankyou my dear ... but u wont nderstand how did u help me.. but im sorry on lying to u .... i never lied to u .... oni this ... which i rely dowan to make u angry nsad after noeing the one scolding u is sha sha ... sorry .. i dun mean it .. i realy jus dowan u to noe.. hope u understand me... if u wan to leave me .. i got no choice but choose to follow ur choice .. i dowan to see u suffer .... well .... dats till now ... gtg bath n go for tuition d ... wel .... continue tonight...
after going tuition ... i actually spend half an hour wth her on the phone outside ... she called .. called n she said she forgive me ... but she cant accept me as a gf anymore ... she wan to leave ... n she say this time .. she wan us both to leave n forget bout each other ... but can i do it .. i noe she can do it .. wat she need is jus some time ... i know she would b happier without me .... would b so much more happie without me... n mayb ... me ... will b sitting here so quitely ... fulfilling my dream ... continue the job i came to earth .. to safe the world ... free the world from suffer ... mayb ... who noes ... is so far...
after chatting with her again.. tot she's goin to breakup with me again ... but end up .. we got back together ... erm .. is lik ... no way can sepreate us ... wif having third party .... having probs here n there ... arguing here n there ... but then .... we r back together again ... today .. i found my source of bad mood .... n i noe y m i so stress out suddenly .... she is the one again found the source indirectly for me... she is the one make me feel much more release now ... she the one again gave me confidence .... i gain my confidence again from her ... how did she do dat ?? i ju scant understand it ... she could jus make it so magically ... may b .. this is wat call love ... which never b logical but magical.....

first blog

2007-09-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

feel kinda down ... kinda suffer .... feel lik suffocating ... i'm posting my blog here is all because im so bored of my past 2 blog .... the one in friendster is full with sad memories .. which i wan to forget it ... the one at msn is so loving n sweet ... i dun feel lik contaminate it ... feel lik leaving it at that condition ... so i came here n create my blog ...
i feel so stress ... so tied up ... is jus few months ... jus omi past a few months in form 6 ... n i feel so stress now .... is my dream too high ? or itz im jus stressing myself out too much ... should i not putting my dream so high up ?? or should i not to hold to tight on my dream ..
is jus 5 subject... is jus chem, bio, PA, MUET, n math .... most 3/5 of it is my favourite subject... y itz so hard .. looking at the question .. looking at the book i sometimes feel so helpless .... feel lik no one except me myself can help myself .... arg .... stayin in class ... listening to teacher ... fooling around with frens ... it seems so good ... it seems kinda relax ... but because of my dream ... even i do quite ok now ... but is consider so bad .. so bad in for my dream ... i feel lik im stepping backward .. not towards my dream anymore ... but away from my dream ...my big big dream ...
stressing over my studies ... but i still feel so happie on my love life ... although is jus 1 short week .. is jus bout 8 days .... but im so happie with it ... dint go any wer special .... jus hang together ... jus chat together ...jus sit n stared at each other ... that is more than enough ... enough for our love to flow around each other ...
now ... i realise .. i rely miss my ns life badly .... miss it so much .. every second that ii spend in camp keeps flowing through my brain .... slide by slide ... showing a series of memories ... is so sweet ...so so so sweet .... so so so happie ... im happie ... n never regret on goin to camp ... without the life n frens der ... i wont b so strong now .... i wont b this independent now ... n i wont b this happie now i noe .... smiling on my own wen those image flip through .... ppl sometimes will think m i crazy ??? but all thoselife will oni make ppl smile ... i believe all those which went ns b4 will understand my feeling ... the friendship .... the relationship ... between diff races n same races ... between diff state ... using diff language ... but we communicate well ... we cooperate well ... we help each other wen needed ... we sometimes fight for stupid things lik toilet ... but is all fun among us .... without these special kind of communication between us ... we wont b having so much great memories ...
thoughts of ~ 13/09/2007